When I invite people to the house, everything has to be perfect. It doesn’t matter if I have three washing machines to iron, or if I cooked something earlier and have pots and pans unwashed. By the time the bell rings, everything must be in place, as if it had never been moved.

And then the holidays. Or that long awaited trip. I make a detailed schedule, choose flights, hotels, attractions. All organized for an ideal result.

And then comes my birthday. I’m racking my brain to think of what the perfect party is. I need my guests to be happy. Everything has to be perfect.

And yet, the last time my friends came home, they didn’t seem to mind that unwashed dish left in the sink. And my party wasn’t what I originally planned, but everyone had a great time. And on that trip the hotel was crap. But when I think back, I miss the great moments, not the room.

I am constantly chasing a perfection, which in the end seems to matter only to me. I think I do it for others, but those who love me don’t care about an elusive perfection. Only for authentic, meaningful moments.

Why is less not enough?

It’s what the author Sarah Wilson called the “perfection syndrome” and it came to the fore thanks to the related discussion that opened on the TikTok platform. Mental health expert Sarafina Arthur-Williams comments: “For everything you do, you have certain expectations. And when in the end the result does not satisfy them, you are unable to focus on the positive and you are led to an overwhelming sense of disappointment”.

“The fact that perfectionism leads with mathematical precision to frustration is because it’s literally impossible to have everything go perfectly all the time,” clinical psychologist Kamran Eshtehardi tells Bustle.

In fact, “people who struggle with it look for the bad in the good because they’ve come to expect that things will always go bad for them and tend to think that this will go on forever,” adds dr. Esthehardi. Their negative bias acts as a self-fulfilling prophecy.

And, ultimately, where is all this anxiety leading us?

We painstakingly plan every important moment, every special occasion, racking our brains to organize the perfect one that nobody cares about but us. And, finally, we live all these important moments of our life in one breath, exhausted by the effort and unable to enjoy the result. So, all we end up doing is depriving ourselves of significant amounts of joy.

How to overcome perfectionism syndrome?

  • Find the cause

Before every important moment, you should ask yourself: Why do you want everything to be perfect? Why does it matter so much? “Does it serve some deeper need or do you just want to impress others? If the reason doesn’t align with your values ​​and what’s really important, then try to drop it from the plan,” suggests counselor Jennifer A. Gray. By examining your emotions, where they come from, what they are due to, and what they serve, you will be able to get rid of an unnecessary amount of frustration.

  • Set priorities

Once you accept that not everything can always be perfect, the expert suggests setting priorities. If, for example, at your birthday party the decoration and the menu are more important, don’t pay attention to whether the cake was good or the music was perfect.

  • Focus on the now

It will also be helpful to try mindfulness exercises. “When you’re fully grounded in a moment, you can appreciate what’s actually happening, instead of feeling sad about how it could have turned out,” Gray explains.

Finally, give yourself the opportunity to challenge the harsh self-criticism and pessimistic thinking that accompany such moments. Allow him to laugh at the setbacks and focus on the positives of each moment.

After all, after a while, what you will remember from that trip is the mediocre room or a truly refreshing escape, in the company of your loved ones?