A breakup is a small death, has prevailed to be called. It is part of human nature to perceive human relationships as an integral part of survival. Undoubtedly, separation has the “taste” of loss, it comes with emotional, but also physical pain. Divorced people are often faced with symptoms such as anxiety, loneliness and depression, weight fluctuations and disturbed sleep.

Research has shown, in fact, that the pain caused by a breakup can have a profound effect on the body. A study published in Biological Sciences showed that it activates areas of the brain associated with physical pain, while scientists from the University of Aberdeen found that separation damages the heart in a way similar to a heart attack. Azra Hirji, assistant psychologist at the Private Therapy Clinic tells Cosmopolitan UK that during a relationship, the brain is flooded with the love hormone oxytocin and the happiness hormone dopamine. This explains the “addictiveness” of love, but also why one can feel terrible after a breakup and the production of these hormones decreases or stops.

Is there a right and wrong way to break up?

In the age of social media, there are many who introduce themselves as relationship experts, offering engagement and breakup advice, setting relationship rules and delineating what is right and wrong. But where did the idea that there is a right and wrong way to deal with a breakup come from? Nicci Roscoe, life coach and author of Manifest Your Everything, finds the answer in “conscious disconnection,” a term so aptly coined by love coach Katherine Woodward Thomas. “That was a trigger for many therapists, coaches and others to start offering targeted support.”

The basic steps of a separation from the experts

There are various “healing” techniques and they work differently for everyone. Some prove to be more effective than others. An oft-cited tip is to write down all the reasons your ex isn’t the right person for you: All the bad habits, fights, signs of incompatibility act as useful reminders of why you’re no longer together .

Also, according to Poosh relationship expert Claire Byrne, it’s important to allow yourself to grieve the relationship. She also suggests doing a personal review, asking yourself: What conclusions did I draw from this relationship? This approach will help you move forward by keeping only the good from the story, but also avoid a future painful breakup by setting yourself up to meet a person who will be a better fit for you.

The third really effective step in the healing process is one that is often heard: Spend time with yourself. This may sound unnecessary to some, but in reality, on the journey of looking within and healing your wounds you cannot drag anyone else along.

Can you get over the pain of a breakup?

According to one expert, the idea that we need “solutions” rather than patience stems from the filtered world of social media. “I think it has to do with the fact that we’re now programmed to see relationships as perfect on Instagram. If they end, we feel the pressure to come out of them just as ‘perfect’, with the ‘right’ mindset and the ‘right’ emotions,” he explains. Hirji agrees: “We live in a ‘fix culture’ where social media content focuses on making things better.”

The old adage remains: Time is a healer. But according to Jodie Cariss, therapist and founder of Self Space, “we live more in a kind of immediacy culture and breakups don’t work that way. But this puts unnecessary pressure on individuals to feel that they should recover from their condition quickly and effortlessly. However, healing from any difficult life condition has its own natural course and takes time.”

Cariss adds that the pain of a breakup isn’t always a clear-cut situation. “It’s messy, as much as it’s painful, often the thoughts and decisions are not clear and rational,” she explains.

“Ignoring the most difficult feelings means you don’t process them properly and just hide them,” she adds, pointing out that this can result in you continuing with inappropriate behavior patterns in your next relationships.

How to properly heal the pain of a breakup

There is no magic recipe that will fix everything in an instant. “The best way is to allow yourself to feel the emotions that govern each stage of the breakup,” advises Cariss, while also recommending to seek support from loved ones. “Don’t be in a hurry to move on.”

Grieving lost love takes time. “Breakups require patience and persistence and can often feel like the two-step-forward, one-back tango,” Hirji points out. He advises, moreover, to take advantage of the opportunity to redefine yourself. “The pain of separation is a tribute to what has happened: Yes, separation is ugly, but only because it was preceded by a beautiful love story.”