In most relationships, even happy ones, it’s normal and healthy to have fights from time to time. During a fight, it’s common for things like yelling or screaming to happen. However, there is one important mistake to avoid that is very common.

What To Avoid

You should avoid using the words “never” or “always” when arguing. For example, when your partner forgets to pick up their dirty socks, don’t respond with, “You always leave your stuff thrown away.” Or, when you feel like he’s repeating the same things over and over again, don’t yell, “You never listen to me!”

“These absolute phrases are not true,” explains Vivian Griva, psychologist and systemic psychotherapist. There are times when your partner has listened to you or done something you asked. And even if your accusations are accurate, using absolutes like “always” or “never” can make the other person defensive and prevent a productive conversation that would lead to something.

That doesn’t mean you have to keep the things that bother you to yourself. Being honest about what’s bothering you — like poor communication habits or being late often — can strengthen your relationship and bring you closer. But this can only be achieved when you approach fights with care.

How To Manage It

A more effective and considerate approach than saying “always” or “never” is to use first-person statements and express your frustration as a concern rather than an accusation. For example, if he kept you waiting or canceled at the last minute, say, “I was really looking forward to the dinner you had planned tonight. Something happened;”. Or, if you feel like he doesn’t appreciate your efforts, say, “I feel like you don’t recognize the effort I’ve made to spend more time together. What is your opinion?”

In a healthy relationship, the ultimate goal is to strengthen your connection with your partner, not to “win” “Who’s right?”