Couples who break up temporarily to improve their relationship

As with many other couples, Viva and her husband John have spent a lot of time together during the pandemic.

When restrictions related to the pandemic were eased, Viva – who is 40 years old and born in the Philippines but lives in the UK – wanted to spend some time with her family while John fulfilled his work commitments at home.

But John had a suggestion to make. Instead of negotiating how they wanted to live this period after the lockdown, why not do it separately? After all, the couple was also going through the grief of losing a pregnancy and maybe a break could be good for them.

At first, Viva wasn’t sure. She hadn’t been away from John very long since they’d been married seven years before. But she ended up being convinced.

The couple is now in a planned three-month separation. Viva is with her family in Manila, Philippines, while John has been able to visit his own family in Ireland, has traveled for work and is planning a vacation to Denmark.

Some people might think that deciding to spend so much time apart would be the end of their relationship, but Viva and John found that absence reinvigorated their marriage. “We talk every day on WhatsApp, Facebook and email,” says Viva. “It’s like going back to how it was at the beginning of our relationship.”

Viva isn’t the only one looking for a temporary break from her marriage. There are psychologists and couples therapists who report meeting people who do not believe that the desire to experience a new life without their partner is a sign that the relationship is over. Some are choosing to take a so-called “gap year” from their relationship to have the space to explore different interests, travel experiences and – in some cases – sexual partners.

But can the gap year really strengthen the relationship, or is it a sign that couples are heading towards separation?

you first

Long-term relationships inevitably bring some restrictions. It could be a commitment to stay in a certain city, make concessions about some of your desires and ambitions, and maintain sexual monogamy.

But this need not be the case. In a world where relationships are becoming increasingly varied, some couples are deciding to write their own rules.

“Couples may decide to take a gap year from their relationship due to job opportunities, a desire to live in a place they’ve always dreamed of living away from home, or to pursue personal interests,” says Marisa T. Cohen, relationship scientist and psychology professor who works as a researcher on the dating app Hily.

“People are more likely to take a break from their relationship when they go through a transition, such as a job change or when their children leave home,” she said.

The idea of ​​taking a break during a transition period is certainly the case for Marc and his wife Sam, who took a sabbatical when they were 31 and 32 years old, respectively. While, for most couples, getting married means starting a big adventure together, Marc and Sam, who live in London, decided they wanted to start their honeymoon apart.

Marc wanted to pursue his passion for marine biology, while Sam wanted to study to be a yoga teacher. The newlyweds decided to give their relationship several months’ vacation: Sam went to an ashram (spiritual retreat) in India and Marc to a shark research station in the Bahamas.

“We realized that this would probably be our last chance to do this sort of thing on our own and they were two dreams we didn’t want to let go of,” says Marc. “It gave us the time to really think about each other and reflect on what marriage meant to us.”

The couple is now together again and they are happily married. Marc argues that his time away from Sam has strengthened their relationship. Sam was able to start his career by integrating clinical psychology and yoga therapy, while Marc was able to fulfill his dream of working with sharks and also buried his fantasy of changing jobs permanently.

That is, neither of them was left with that pending feeling of “what if?” early in their marriage and they have gained confidence that they can survive periods of estrangement. “Marriage isn’t about giving up your passions, it’s about finding someone you can support – and who you can get support from – to pursue those passions,” says Marc.

Gap years on the rise

Marc isn’t the only one who believes that individual passions and interests can still flourish in marriage. This view perhaps explains why relationship gap years may be becoming more common.

Research indicates that individualism (here defined as considering independence and uniqueness as important characteristics) has been increasing worldwide, at least since the 1960s. Individualistic people tend to place more importance on friends than on family and feel that it is important Prioritize your self-expression.

These traits may make the idea of ​​taking a break from a relationship to focus on goals, ambitions, or personal interests more appealing. It means that the traditional structures of marriages or other long-term relationships as environments of compromise and self-sacrifice may be becoming less attractive to some people.

There is also the fact that more and more people are considering relationships to be more flexible, as well as having a much broader definition of what a successful marriage or partnership is.

More and more people are engaging in unconventional relationship structures. Consensual non-monogamy and platonic life partners are becoming more common.

Statistics also show that millennials are getting divorced less in the United States, and experts speculate that tolerance for a broader spectrum of relationships (including those where couples spend time apart from each other) may actually be helping to keep couples together. .

Rather than leaving a relationship where people feel unhappy or unfulfilled, you can adapt to tailor the relationship to the needs of both partners.

“If both partners are on the same wavelength, taking a sabbatical can make the relationship grow,” according to Cohen. “It can allow the two members of the couple to grow as individuals, which generates personal development and fulfillment that feeds back into the relationship.”

‘Stylish exit’ or renewed vision?

Viva and Marc may have discovered that the sabbatical would be beneficial to their relationship, but that’s not always the case. For some people, a partner who suggests they spend time apart may seem like a red flag.

Tom Murray, a sex therapist and professor at Adler University in the US, believes that for some couples, gap years can signal deeper issues.

He argues that the most common reasons couples decide to take time off are due to boredom, a desire for sexual exploitation, and the belief that “the neighbor’s grass is always greener” and that happiness can be found outside of life. current situation. And if the partners are not attuned to their intentions for the time they will be apart, the relationship can quickly be destroyed.

“The main drawback is that human beings are very fickle,” he says. “As we are social creatures, we yearn to belong and be in a community with other people. So if there is jealousy and insecurity, I doubt the relationship will survive. [a um ano sabático]. And if there are unspoken intentions, such as a desire to gracefully exit the relationship, things can dissolve very quickly.”

Murray is skeptical about the gap years in the relationship, but he points out that it can work – especially when communication is a priority for both partners.

He says it’s important to think about practical issues such as joint expenses, responsibilities and potential emergencies, as well as the emotional complexities of spending time apart. Murray also suggests setting an exact end date and what kind of behavior is acceptable while they are apart.

“I strongly encourage couples considering this relationship sabbatical to pause to consider their motivations,” he says. “What will need to happen for them to agree that the gap year was a success? I would encourage them to set up a relationship plan to ensure that their behaviors, while separated, are in service of the relationship they want to maintain in the future.”

Nurturing a relationship with a long period of separation can be challenging, but for many couples, it can be easier to strengthen a marriage with a sabbatical than to end it.

Analyzing her time away from her husband and their impending reunion, Viva thinks the experience was a positive one. “Spending time apart was good for our relationship,” she says. “In our case, the absence increased the passion. It renewed our relationship. We value and love each other more.”

Read the original version of this report (in English) on the BBC Worklife website.