Assertive communication: 5 tips to cultivate clear and direct posture

I hope you don’t mind me saying this… I’m sorry to bother you… Sorry, I have a lot to do, but if you want…

These are classic phrases that are often used when we ask or express what we want in an unclear or indirect way – and, for more than four decades, the object of study of psychologist and writer Anne Dickson, who teaches the power of assertive communication.

In his own words, assertive communication is “direct and clear, but not violent”. “That’s important. You don’t cancel out, belittle or belittle someone, but you communicate by putting your needs and those of the other person on an equal footing.”

“It means you have to take responsibility for what you want and be clear about it,” adds the psychologist.

“Imagine that someone criticized you – nobody likes to be criticized – and put a label on you: that you collaborate little, for example”, she illustrates. “One option is to react abruptly and get defensive, attack the other person, point out their flaws. And then you get into a little battle.”

“Another option would be to say, ‘I don’t really agree that I’m not cooperating. It’s too general. I’m interested in what you mean, but can you be more specific?'”

“That’s just one example – you’re having a conversation instead of just ending the conversation.”

That doesn’t mean you put your feelings aside, emphasizes the expert.

Being mindful about them “is a very important part, because if we don’t, we tend to distort our body language or tone of voice, the way we look at someone – and that sort of thing communicates three-quarters of what we express, not just words.”

Thus, the expert shares 5 quick tips to improve the assertiveness of our communication.

1) Give yourself space to reflect

“It’s often hard for us to say ‘no’ right away when someone asks us for something,” says Dickson.

“Instead of babbling something vague or agreeing to something you don’t want to do and then having to make up an excuse, give yourself time. If you feel any hesitation when asked about something, say clearly, ‘I don’t know. an hour (a day or a week) to think about it.”

“That way you have a chance to better craft your answer without the pressure of the moment.”

2) Acknowledge your feelings

“Learn to identify and recognize a feeling (anxiety, discomfort, anger, pain) without self-reproach. Acknowledging your feelings is an important first step in assertive communication, because pretending not to feel something weakens and distorts what you mean.”

“Once you do that, you can learn to express your feelings in words.”

3) Listen to what your intuition tells you

“If your intuition tells you that you can’t trust a person or situation, that’s your reality.”

“Trust your inner voice instead of telling yourself that you should be rational or cling to a fantasy you wish were real.”

4) Don’t try to be liked all the time

“The need for approval undermines our authority.”

“Coming out of a situation with your self-respect preserved will also inspire respect in others, which in many situations is more appropriate than making people like you all the time.”

“Practice the exercise of authority in a non-aggressive way. When you issue decisions, give instructions or make criticisms clearly, a commitment to equality means giving the other person the space to express their response to what you say.”

5) Wait until you have mindfulness

“Never start talking to someone while they’re looking at a screen, on the phone, reading a newspaper, or talking to someone else – that is, when they’re not paying attention to you.”

“It takes practice, and you’ll probably feel uncomfortable while you wait. But if you start talking while someone’s attention is elsewhere, it sends a subtle message that what you’re saying isn’t worth listening to.”

a powerful tool

Dickson began working on this topic in the early 1980s, when many women lived in fear of being labeled domineering, mean, or irritating when they expressed what they wanted, whether it was a pay raise or a request for a partner to help with household chores.

Her book “A Woman in Your Own Right” has become a classic of feminist literature and has been reprinted several times since.

But is assertive communication still a skill women need to learn now that they seem more confident?

“What’s still missing is an understanding of how to handle things when they happen,” she told the BBC.

“It’s one thing to feel confident on social media and promote your image. But no matter how old you are, you still face a structural situation.”

“Let’s say, for example, a woman is at the top of her profession – maybe she’s a very successful doctor. But when confronted with a colleague or boss, she may feel intimidated, uncomfortable, not knowing what to say.”

“Why? Because a man will never doubt his right to be at the top, as he has centuries of tradition behind him. And a younger woman, even if she was raised with a much more egalitarian sense of gender, still she may get into a job where her job is disdained or she is asked to do minor activities instead of the role she was hired for.”

“One of the most empowering things is knowing how to deal with situations like these.”

This text was originally published on BBC News Brazil