How to deal with kids when they have a tantrum? See tips for not getting stressed

I never saw pure anger up close until I became a mother of young children. My children, who are a little older today, were not very tantrums. But when they decided to be they didn’t really hold back: screams, sobs, full-body tremors – the whole job.

Fortunately, their respective tantrum phases were quick. I say “fortunately” because I didn’t do much to tame his outbursts. I was baffled by his tantrums and sometimes worried about who I was raising.

“Many of us have been taught that being angry is bad, and that showing we are angry and expressing our feelings is ugly,” said Jazmine McCoy, child and family psychologist and author of “The Ultimate Tantrum Guide.” , in Portuguese).

But anger isn’t bad, McCoy said, nor is expressing it inherently dangerous or disrespectful. Learning to deal with anger is a lifelong technique that allows children to function at home, at school, and in the world without losing control.

It’s a skill that parents can help their children cultivate, starting when they are babies and toddlers, encouraging them to develop outlets and creating greater coping skills for themselves.

Don’t be afraid of attacks

Regarding children and anger, it can be helpful to remember a few simple facts: First, anger is a basic human emotion.

And second, emotions are there to tell us about ourselves and our relationships, explained Dave Anderson, clinical psychologist and vice president of school and community programs at the Child Mind Institute, a nonprofit organization that provides therapy for children and families.

Emotions can help us answer basic questions: what would we like to have more of? And what would we like it to end?

Remembering that anger is an intrinsic part of being human can help us respond to a violent child with compassion, not judgment. Yelling at a child – who is yelling at you and the world – will only make the situation worse.

“Some emotions are really stressful, like fear or anger,” Anderson said. Parents should try to help their children process these emotions in healthy ways, she added.

“The key is that we want them to be able to do what they need to do at school, with family and in social situations, without their reactions to their own emotions really getting in the way or making it difficult for them to form positive relationships.”

It can also be helpful to remember that tantrums or tantrums (non-clinical terms that describe those terrifying moments when your child goes completely crazy) can be a developmental rite of passage, especially for children under 3 who are still learning to self-regulate.

It’s not uncommon for toddlers or preschoolers to throw tantrums several times a week, said Denis Sukhodolsky, director of the evidence-based practice unit at the Center for Child Studies at the Yale University School of Medicine. The average duration of children’s attacks is about three minutes, he added, but there is a wide range of how long they can last — between 1 and 20 minutes.

“Anger tantrums serve a developmental purpose,” Sukhodolsky said. “Children are learning to deal with independence, transitions, learning social rules and dealing with situations where compliance is required.”

Help children develop an emotional vocabulary

“Name it to tame” – a phrase coined by psychologist Dan Siegel – is a mantra oft-repeated among child development experts who believe in the importance of teaching children to identify and name their feelings so they can talk about what they are feeling.

McCoy recommends reading simple baby books with pictures of other children smiling, laughing or frowning, which they tend to find “captivating.” Evidence shows that babies can begin to identify emotions in others as young as 6 months.

Books can also be an effective tool for primary school age children. Look at the pictures and ask what the characters are feeling, or talk about the emotional implications of a specific plot, getting kids to explain what you see. The same goes for watching TV or movies together with teenagers.

For younger children, visual aids such as “mood meters” or “feeling thermometers” – which prompt children to describe their feelings and gauge their intensity – can also be helpful, whether they are calm and relaxed or angry.

Whichever strategy you choose, the goal is to help children develop the language they need to express their feelings. It’s a skill that develops with time and practice, and it can help them feel heard and understood.

“It’s important to validate children’s emotions,” Dr. Sukhodolsky said — whether you have a 2-year-old or a 22-year-old at home.

Tell ’em when you’re angry

Parents sometimes feel they need to protect their children from their own emotions, but opening up during moments of anger or frustration can be educational. Describe to your child how you physically feel. Is your mind agitated? Is your heart beating fast?

“Really taking some time to slow down and describe what’s going on in your body — and how you know how to tell what you’re feeling — is a very powerful experience,” said Dr. McCoy. “And it’s a two in one, because by doing it for your child you’re slowing yourself down.”
Make sure you take the final crucial step, she said: show how you face it.

You can say something like, “‘I’m going to take a few deep breaths.’ Or ‘I’m going to sit down for a moment.’ Or ‘I’m going to get some water,'” McCoy said. “Whatever you need at that moment, speak it out loud and help them understand what’s going on.”

Identify effective ways to respond

Children also need to find their own ways of self-regulation, and they may be different from yours. Helping your child find an outlet (or channels) for anger may require experimentation. Some children respond to simple deep breathing exercises, Anderson said.

Others may need a more intense physical release. On his website, McCoy suggests letting kids hit modeling clay, shredding paper, or building a tower of blocks and knocking it down. They may find it okay to scream, punch a pillow, or run outside.

Ideally, you’ll learn to spot the signs that your child is getting frustrated and guide them to those outlets before they reach boiling point.

“You don’t wait until the situation explodes to get a child to use a coping technique,” Anderson said. Experts say that correcting behavior is virtually impossible when children are in a rage.

“What you should do is look for those moments when their frustration is starting to build up,” he said. Encourage them to try out coping strategies so they can practice managing big emotions before they become too intense.

Set clear boundaries on unsafe behavior

Children must learn the difference that while all emotions — including anger — are valid, not all behavior is, Dr. McCoy said. Therefore, clear and consistent boundaries around aggressive or unsafe behavior are important.

And if your child seems to be feeling angry often, or as if he has trouble controlling his reactions, see a pediatrician or a psychologist.

Parents of toddlers and preschoolers should note the duration and frequency of their child’s emotional crises, Dr. Sukhodolsky said, as well as whether they occur in different contexts — not just at home, but also at school, on the playground, or at home. in meetings with other children.

Parents of tweens and teens should be aware of whether their anger seems really constant or intense, Dr. Anderson said. Mood swings are typical of adolescence, but anger or irritability that lasts for several weeks is not.

“When adults say, ‘Oh my God, this is holding you back from getting involved in school’ or ‘It’s holding you back from making friends’ or ‘It’s hard for our family to bear,’ we look for things that might indicate a need for treatment. “, said Dr Anderson.

Behavioral disorders, a category that includes attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, and mood disorders such as depression, can often present as irritability, he added. If your child is not neurotypical, consult your pediatrician or therapist about alternative ways to deal with his or her emotions.

Listen and be open to your children’s feelings

Generally speaking, it’s important to ensure your child has ample opportunities to discuss their feelings — anger, sadness, excitement, all together — with trusted friends, family, or a psychologist.

It’s not always easy to hear that your child is going through a difficult time, but these conversations and connections are essential to validating what they’re experiencing and providing emotional release.
“I like to say that the best way to manage anger is to feel understood,” McCoy said.

“Often when we are angry, underneath we feel scared, we feel misunderstood and disconnected.”

Translated by Luiz Roberto M. Gonçalves