Orgasm as a primary goal can make sex less pleasurable

Coming, ejaculating, reaching orgasm once, twice or three times can be good, but it is not synonymous with having a sex life full of quality and satisfaction. The charge for performance can turn that pleasure into obligation and pressure.

On this World Orgasm Day (31), experts remind us that reaching climax should not be the ultimate goal of sex, but rather the quest to enjoy the sexual experience as a whole.

An orgasm is nothing more than one of the phases of the sexual response cycle that does not depend on the person’s gender, and represents at the same time the peak, the relief and the end of sexual tension, says Teresa Embiruçu, a gynecologist at the Ambulatory of Sexuality from Unifesp (Federal University of São Paulo) and sexologist from Febrasgo (Brazilian Federation of Gynecology and Obstetrics Associations).

“Sometimes the person triggers this discharge of sexual energy, but it is almost a mechanical orgasm. You can reach a physical orgasm and have the feeling that that relationship was not so nice”, says the gynecologist. “A pleasurable sexual relationship is defined not by the presence or absence of orgasm, but by the conclusion that that contact was good as a whole.”

Factors such as gender and sexual orientation, as well as expectations and stigmas related to different social groups can also affect the quality of pleasure.

An American survey published in the Archive of Sexual Behavior points out that while 95% of heterosexual men reach orgasm in every relationship, only 65% ​​of heterosexual women say the same. In the case of lesbian women, this percentage reaches 86%.

Jacy Lima, creator of content about intimate health and sexuality, highlights that “the race for orgasm” generates pressure. “Being in a sexual relationship just thinking that you have to enjoy, that you have to please, doesn’t help. Today I really value my pleasure during sex. If I reach orgasm or not, it doesn’t matter, I have to leave there satisfied”, it says.

Cultivating a quality relationship with the body and pleasure also means overcoming traumas. Jacy, who was sexually abused between the ages of 5 and 8, reinforces that guarantees of basic rights and well-being are prerequisites for the cultivation of individual pleasure.

“It’s no use trying to empower a woman by pushing a vibrator and demanding an orgasm. We need to understand what is important to that woman. Sometimes she needs to deal with trauma, with sexual violence, religious issues, self-esteem problems or derogatory speeches. who listened all his life.”

On the other side are heterosexual and cisgender men, who have a high rate of orgasm per sexual intercourse. However, since orgasm is not a quality metric, do they have a good relationship with their pleasure?

The urologist Osei Akuamoa Jr., a specialist in men’s health and minimally invasive surgeries, says that the sexual frequency of Brazilian men is good, but this does not indicate quality.

“The universe of erectile and ejaculatory dysfunctions among men is very large. We have data that 40% of patients who start sexual activities face some difficulty, and this has a lot to do with the concepts of performance and masculinity”, he says.

Rodrigo Roque Rabelo, 40, designer and coordinator of the group that discusses masculinity Respeito Todo Dia, says that he grew up believing in these performance goals. In the past, he thought that the good thing was the quantity, but today he sees that this metric is not ideal.

“After a while, with age, you understand that it’s not a matter of high performance. If before I tried several, today it’s one. But this one is certainly of higher quality. I like the act itself much more. For me, the focus is the path, not the arrival.”

According to doctor Teresa Embiruçu, trying to explore and achieve more orgasms can be healthy, but it is necessary to understand how this is done. It is important that people expand their repertoires, seek to explore and get to know each other. What is not ideal is to make it an obligation, a norm that, if not met, turns into frustration.

She also draws attention to a second stage of the challenge: when people are able to develop a good relationship for their own pleasure, but still need to communicate with partners.

“It is difficult to say what the person likes, afraid of displeasing the other, afraid of judgment. What if someone asks me where I learned this? There are people with penises who like to be touched in the anal region, but how in a straight relationship do you tell your partner this? Am I going to put my relationship at risk because I want to have a different sex?”

For Jacy Lima, Orgasm Day is an opportunity to think about and cultivate the well-being of all people, going beyond the sexual. “No one will have pleasure if they have low self-esteem, financial, family or professional problems. Sex, pleasure, orgasm, all this is part of our well-being, but there are other factors that we also need to take care of.”

There is no formula capable of contemplating everyone on this journey towards a more authentic and truly good relationship with their own pleasure. However, respondents suggest some practices that help to understand what works in each context.

Break with ready-made scripts

The search for a pattern of sex or orgasm can generate a relationship of charge and frustration with the sexual experience. “We need to stop demanding that the other live his body through my personal vision”, says Lima

Cultivate intimacy with your body

Embiruçu advises exploring one’s own body and sensations beyond the genitals. “We focus a lot on the penis, vagina and anus, but we have to explore the five senses: sight, hearing, smell, taste and touch.”

Expand your repertoire

The gynecologist suggests the following exploratory questions: “What types of sexes are there? Oral or without penetration, in different positions… What accessories can I use? What music? Not necessarily you will need to try or like everything, but if you don’t know it exists, you won’t get a chance to explore.”

Identify and rethink your barriers

The expectations imposed on the roles of men and women create insecurities that can prevent people from experiencing their pleasure with more freedom and authenticity. In relation to men, Rabelo says that many stay in a space of comfort that does not allow self-knowledge.

“Understanding yourself is a great difficulty, breaking the paradigms of masculinity, stopping lying for fear of saying that you broke up”, he exemplifies.

respect your time

When experiencing a process in which you rethink your sex life, which is crossed by emotional and relational issues, it is important to understand that barriers will not disappear immediately. Cultivating self-care that respects your time avoids a cycle of frustration.