Proximity and ‘democratic parenting style’ are key to good relationships in adolescence

If it is true that there is no ideal recipe for dealing with children, so much the worse in adolescence. However, until they become adults, there are ways to build a good relationship. The tip comes from a Penn State University study, one of the first to look at how parental attitudes at this stage can predict later relationship quality. For this, the authors followed 1,631 participants from early adolescence, aged around 11 or 12 years, until they turned 22.

It is common for there to be greater distance in the family as children grow, with less expressions of affection and time together. However, those who maintain a high level of warmth, closeness and involvement during the more turbulent years manage to establish a good relationship in adulthood, the research points out. And this is independent of family structure and socioeconomic level.

styles of educating

In an attempt to educate teenagers, whether to encourage certain attitudes or curb others, parents can get a little lost. “It is known that there are styles that are more positive than others”, says psychologist Caroline Nóbrega de Almeida, from Hospital Israelita Albert Einstein. At this stage, young people want to be respected and have their opinions validated. So, you need to clearly explain the rules and consequences.

Those who adopt a democratic parenting style are able to establish clear norms and boundaries with conversation, without impositions, even in times of conflict.

“That way it is possible to create a relationship based on dialogue and trust”, says Almeida. This discipline tends to lead to less confrontation later on, as when younger people are included in decision-making, they are more likely to agree to agreed agreements and decisions.

Families with an authoritarian style, which do not allow negotiations, impose absolute rules and can create an environment of fear. “In the long term, they form adults who cannot argue because they haven’t had the opportunity to speak up”, says the psychologist. They may also have problems related to social skills and low self-esteem.

At the other extreme are parents who adopt a permissive style, with little handling of their children’s inappropriate behavior, who do not set limits and do not follow pre-established rules. These children grow up with low frustration tolerance. Studies associate this profile with a higher risk of experimenting with alcohol and drugs.

Cultivate proximity

Although it is very challenging to stay close to adolescents as they seek independence and autonomy, it is necessary to make the effort. Hence the importance of promoting some activity together, such as sports or cycling, or taking walks and going out to dinner from time to time: “this close relationship is built over the years. If you cultivate well, you will reap the rewards”, he argues. Almeida.