“Those who are involved in a relationship, maybe they don’t even realize it, maybe they think it’s normal. But those who are outside can see when the limits are about to be seriously crossed.” The sentence of Tadeu Schmidt, presenter of BBB23 on TV Globo, caught the confined and the public in the early hours of this Monday (23).
After the actress Bruna Griphao said that he was the “man of the relationship” in the romance that he lives with the model Gabriel Tavares, he received a cross response from the hookup. “You’re going to get elbowed in the mouth right now,” he said. Tadeu ended by saying directly to his brother that “in an affective relationship, certain things cannot be said even as a joke.”
The alert did not go well with the couple, who decided to separate after the episode. The shock of being seen as an example of a case of abuse made them both ashamed and worried about what each family might think – for Gabriel, the fear of rejection in the game if he went to the wall still weighed.
This was not the first example of its kind on the show, which had episodes of bullying between couples and contestants, but it sparked debate: how to recognize who is an aggressor or a victim in a toxic relationship?
Psychologist Manuela Moura, a specialist in couple therapy and a professor at Cefac (Centro de Estudos da Família), says that abuse is an excess of something and, in the case of relationships, it applies to both physical and verbal aggression. Moura reinforces that society, in a way, divides abuse into two types: one that leaves external marks and is seen as unacceptable and others, verbal and emotional, that are somehow allowed and even legitimized.
The posture makes it difficult to denounce and break up, because the stronger the connection (or the desire for the bond to last), the more difficult it is for the victim to admit the evidence of abuse and disassociate himself from guilt.
The professional says that in her clinic she sees many couples in long periods of emotional violence without questioning whether they are in an abusive situation. Master in developmental psychology from UFBA (Federal University of Bahia), the professional recalls that it is not just couples who suffer from abuse, but also family members, for example.
There is, however, a common point in the keynote of all types of abusive relationships, which is the psychological violence used for manipulation. The most common resources in these frames of domination are cursing, screaming, threats, blackmail, public or private depreciation, excessive criticism, among others.
“It’s everything that, through speech, undermines the self-confidence of the other, making that person feel inadequate, strange, strange, wrong, absurd”, says Moura.
The psychologist also points out that it is necessary to differentiate more occasional fights from an abusive relationship. “It could be a very bad fight, he said things he regretted, went out of his way, cursed, offended. It is still violent, but to be considered an abusive relationship this needs to be at the core of the relationship, be the relational agenda and not a sporadic event”, he says.
To know if it is abuse, according to Moura, it is necessary to observe whether the relationship is based on the submission of the other.
“[É abuso] if every day the person disqualifies, offends, humiliates, tortures, says things like ‘if you don’t do what I want I will abandon you’, ‘I will no longer be your mother’, ‘I will send you to your father’s house ‘ or ‘we’re going to separate'”, points out the psychologist.
The therapist recommends treating the source of the problem, since those who get involved in abusive relationships usually learn to relate similarly to their family members. The orientation is to look for a psychology professional.
For the expert, the most effective way to get out of an abusive relationship is by taking care of yourself, understanding what ways to love and if there are others besides those already known.
“People who are used to being in an abusive relationship feel that it is their fault. A mechanism that keeps them in such a relationship for many years. it is not enough to identify that she is in an abusive relationship. She also needs to realize what part of her keeps this relationship working that way, recognize that there is a pattern that belongs to the other who is aggressive”, concludes Moura.
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