Great Happiness Interview: How to Deny Toxic Masculinity and Become a Happy Father

Danusia Malina-Derben’s new spunk, A Manifesto Modernizing Fatherhood, has just been released and has caused quite a stir.

The thoughtful and radical Danusia provides a “practical problem-solving roadmap” for modern parenting, as Danusia believes it will ensure a better future for our children.

“We need a father more than ever,” he says.

Danusia is an ideological leader, writer, speaker and mother of 10 children. Her motherhood story began when she was a teenager, becoming a student of organizational behavior and development, and later an internationally recognized and award-winning leadership expert. She negotiated with the Academy to change the company’s board of directors and run her own global company to develop the best talent.

In her first book, The Noise: The Manifesto of Motherhood Modernization, she challenged the general idea of ​​motherhood and how mothers should “behave” when they become mothers.

Danusia currently hosts two highly acclaimed podcasts. In School for Mothers and School for Fathers, talk to modern fathers about the complex social stories of what it means to be a father.

In the Father’s Day edition of The Great Happiness Interview, Danusia tells you about Father’s Day and how to be a happy father.

ლო Happy Father’s Day! How can I celebrate my father today?

Let’s mention most men who are deeply loyal to their families.

Big Deal.

As a woman, why did you start a podcast for school parents?

I was organizing my alma mater and it was a great success. It was inspiring to talk to the moms who were open about their challenges.

There were a lot of great parenting podcasts sponsored by men, but it was very rare for women to talk about men and parents. After a year of interviewing a mother who is not responsible for men and therefore often complains about the current invisible parenting system, she had some assumptions about her father. As a scholar, he wanted to test these assumptions.

I think it is very easy to have a fixed idea of ​​what the “others” feel and think. You can also demonize the “others”. But if you really want to change the world, you need to talk to each other and really understand and understand. So I started a podcast school for my dad.

Რ Did you learn?

The first thing I learned was how difficult it is for a parent to express their emotions along with their gender. They told me about masculinity, fatherhood, a restricted version of work, and the cost of trying to live with them.

For hundreds of hours I have no place to express their sadness at leaving a child, the effects of seeing the loss of motherhood that women love, and for men to express the anguish and learn to undo it. The year I heard the muffled voice of a man. Emotional paralysis and numbness, conquering and defeating addiction, and coping with his father’s wounds.

There is a lot of talk about toxic masculinity. How does this affect the upbringing of our children?

Studies show that toxic masculinity has three components.

1. Toughness: The idea that men should be physically strong, emotionally cold, and aggressive.
2. Anti-femininity: rejects anything that is considered femininity, such as expressing emotions or getting help.
3. Power: The assumption that in order to earn the respect of others, men must work to gain power and status (social and economic).

No wonder they say, “Masculinity is a small, heavy cage, and we put a boy in that cage.”

The same child becomes a grown man. At this point, this rigid little cage is what many call a “human box.” That is, to build a restrictive dominant idea of ​​what “human” or “real human” means. It is emotionally devastating.

You need a father like never before, but you don’t need a current father.

You are the mother of 10 children and 6 boys. How is men’s boxing fought?

in a practical way. There are many blankets around the house that teach children about independence. To recognize that they really need to spend some time. They don’t need good or even strong heroism to take care of themselves emotionally. It’s about normalizing anxiety.

I also encourage children to think critically. I have a 9 year old triplet, 2 boys and 1 girl. Therefore, because they are the same age, the comparison is very intense. So I force them to question the dialogue about gender bias.

Someone told my daughter, “Be careful when you’re on the playground,” but when the child is advised to take risks, we argue, choose, and cross-examine. “But she always falls off the top of the slide,” says the boy.

When we go shopping for clothes, the shorts offered to our daughter are very striking. She says to them: The boys answer: “Why do you use something that cannot be moved?” At 9 o’clock, it’s very natural for them that these conversations are led by them, not me.

You’re writing in your book about your father’s culture, Santa. What is this?

Stunter fathers are people who think that men take care of their children and greet them at their father’s kindergarten sessions.

These are mothers who believe that with “help” the father cannot “properly” care for the child.

Father Stunters considers his father to be one of his sons because “you’re a man and what did you know?”

Father Stunters is a workplace manager who quickly comes to the conclusion that his father’s commitment to family and mental health is less than his career.

My father’s delays are everywhere. Media, headlines, theater scripts, advertising structures, social policies that prevent men from taking maternity leave, laws designed to show that wage earners are the father’s most important contribution, the list is endless.

At home, stop being a helper at home. Stop asking “How can I help you?”, get proactive instructions and become an internal partner.

How can a parent change this culture?

From a survey of more than 1,300 parents, they unanimously state that their children are at the center of their world, but most of this data is characteristic of parental vigilance and support. Most of the public opinion about the father is based on proudly watching over the father, but someone else is the “main father”.

Is it time to break that idea? How is the dad who is really involved? If you are a father reading this today, ask yourself: did he spend time on his father’s most recent activities, how much did he see or help, and how much does he spend his time guiding. What else can a truly involved parent do?

It’s not just about changing diapers or dropping out of school. Please go deeper. What about leadership education in emotional education and relationship education?

At home, stop being a helper at home. Stop asking “How can I help you?”, get proactive instructions and become an internal partner. Responsible for the emotional, mental and practical burden of constant parental care.

How do you teach your children to be safe and protect themselves?

My family talks about healthy forms of armor. If someone is rude to us, do you like it or do you feel that we are angry with someone? What if my child physically threatens another person? For children, how do they protect themselves from the “good enough” stereotype?

Arming ourselves with a strong self-awareness is ultimately what we want, and it develops as we age. Self-study is what we learn when we understand what we believe.

Therefore, talking to children about the correct way to protect themselves is asking them to consider different points of view and why their peers see it that way. It means asking them if they want to act on it.

Also, as long as education involves caregivers, teachers, police, etc. It should also be noted that, for security reasons, these people can catch and send children with stereotypes such as “children do not cry” without help.

I think it’s important to talk about children’s feelings. Basically, it is suggested that the child is just angry. It has a much more subtle nuance: it is melancholy, frustration, insulted pride and shame. We need to teach our children to be emotionally educated, aware of the debate about how they feel, and actively motivated.

I talked to many dads about The School for Fathers podcasts and found that many dads were dependent on alcohol, drugs, work, and more. For the disconnection of their emotions.

How can a man give himself the right to experience deep pain, abandonment and loss? The first step is to recognize these emotions and talk about them.

How can women and mothers help?

Women and mothers stay on our plates enough without trying to fix it.

I think this will really change if a man is to create conditions that allow him to do it with other men so that his father lives a sincere life with his partner and children.

It shows a willingness to work on your own, which is very important. It is the elimination of patriarchal and gendered parenting patterns that affect their children and themselves.

Many men are plagued by representations of their fathers, inequality as mothers and neglect in school meetings… the truth is that they need a father like never before, yes, we need to form an alliance with men as fathers to guarantee a better future for our modern parents and our children.

Spunk: Danusia Malina Derben (Triumph, £12.99) has launched a manifesto to modernize parenting.

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