The money can be a difficult and sensitive issue for most couples. And not without reason.

“We tend to have rules around money and get angry when someone doesn’t have the same game plan“, said Thomas Faupl, family therapist and marriage specializing in financial therapy. In addition, one’s financial behaviors are influenced by one’s childhood experiences with money.

However, you can defuse your disagreements so that they are not constantly difficult or fatal to your relationship.

How; Start by recognizing that fights about money usually have a deeper root. Then explore what those bigger issues are so that each can better hear where the other is coming from.

She is alone one of the tips offered by Heather and Douglas Boneparth, attorney and certified financial advisor, respectively, in their new book “Money Together: How to Find Fairness in Your Relationship and Become an Unstoppable Financial Team” (With Money: How to Find Justice in Your Relationship and Become an Unstoppable Financial Team).

The pair of counselors—both in their 40s and parents of young children—examine their own money issues, as well as those of other couples they interviewed, to learn how to better manage financial discussions.

The most common skirmishes

The details of disputes vary from couple to couple. However, the Faupl finds that the most common disputes over money are related to:

• Saving and consumption: One partner may have a much higher “threshold” for feeling financially secure, while the other may prioritize living life today.
“Both approaches are correct», noted Faupl.

The issue is whether each partner can appreciate where the other is coming from and find a middle ground that works for both.

• High debt levels: Whether the couple is racking up debt together or one partner is racking up debt alone, it’s fertile ground for arguments about how to manage it and how much to tolerate, Faupl said.

A couple with children, for example, has to make constant financial decisions around this debt: Should we go on a family vacation? Should we buy a bigger house? Where to cut costs? Who will make what sacrifice?

• Wealth Inequalities: One may come from a wealthy family or have acquired wealth through his career, while the other may not. Or there may simply be a big difference in the two partners’ salaries, leading to awkward discussions about the division of responsibilities and who has more say in financial decisions.

Frame the way you see disagreements

When you’re ready to start a fight about money, try asking yourself the following questions before you lash out:

Question 1: Should we solve this now? Or can we schedule a better time for a constructive discussion?

“Time, place and environment matter. Couples fight more when they choose the wrong moment», said Heather Boneparth. “We too were fighting about money at 5:30pm while our babies were throwing food everywhere.»

Question 2: Is what we are fighting about really the problem?

THE Douglas Boneparth recalled a couple they interviewed where the wife had “passed out” from nerves when her husband bought her a croissant. As it turned out, the croissant was innocent. The real issue for the wife was that she felt that the husband was not honoring their earlier agreement to share expenses equally. Their fight showed that the old deal wasn’t working for anyone anymore.

They found that “what was fair then is no longer fair“, said Boneparth.

Understanding the present moment for the partner’s actions also helps. Why did the wife break out at that moment? Her outburst coincided with her fear that she might be losing her job.

Question 3: What are we doing right?

Entering into a difficult financial discussion with criticisms of your partner, or of you as a couple, is not effective.

“Don’t start with what’s not right or what’s broken», said Douglas Boneparth.

Instead, he suggested starting with what you and your partner are doing right together. “It will be much easier to stay engaged in the conversation.»

Reaching a compromise

Although you and your partner may always approach money differently, you need to make financial decisions together that you both can accept. To achieve this, keep your eyes on the target.

Take investing for example. If one is more risk-averse and the other is not, consider what your shared goals are.

Perhaps you agree that you want to retire at 60. The point is to find, based on current circumstances, what is required to achieve that shared goal.

There are many ways to get there. And what will work for you may not be as extreme or bipolar in risk-taking as you expected. “It can be a gradual thing, not as much as one wants, but more than the other would ever do“, she said Heather Boneparth.

Finally, he noted, remember that although the unknown can be scary and the appetite for risk is personal, “our ability to take risk is shared because we are together.»