Come on, if you think about it, objectively and realistically our life contains many small and big lies every day. Lying to ourselves. Lying to others. Lies to the dietician, to the person who makes us do pilates. Lies even on your bank account.
I have been lying to myself since I was 10 years old to stop biting my nails. And since I was 15, I lied that I would move to New York or Paris when I was an independent adult. My favorite lie? “Start eating healthier this week.” And finally I can’t even make it to Tuesday.
People lie to me all the time too. “I’ll text you”, “I’ll call you”, “Let’s hang out more”, “I missed you”. And I’m not done yet – the big bucket of lies: all social media, every day. Happy holidays, great company, beautiful clothes, rich life, delicious bowls. While on vacation we all argue, while “I have nothing to wear”, while we owe money to the bank and while instead of the avocado bowl we dream of a pepperoni pizza.
I’m sure every grown man says the following 10 lies on a daily basis.
1. I will wake up early and do it in the morning
Translation: I won’t be able to wake up, I’ll run to work with my hair in a ponytail because I won’t have time to shower and I won’t do everything I wanted to do. Then that thing will haunt me for days until I get around to doing it… and after I do, I’ll put off for a few days something else I’m bored of doing. My God, what is this vicious cycle of procrastination?
2. I would love to, as long as I have time…
While I mean I would like to finish the last cycle of a -guilty please- Spanish series on Netflix. If I wanted to see you/help/let’s go for coffee, I would just catch up with you. It is the win win excuse. I am polite and at the same time seem quite busy and interesting. Which episode are you on?
3. I’m busy
The excuse – a lie that can stand independently of the above. But if I were really busy, I would tell you what I have to do. If I have a kick boxing class and I don’t want to incur the cancellation fee, I will tell you. If I have work, I’ll tell you. If I have a salon appointment or have arranged with someone else, I will let you know. But since I’m “busy”, I’m most likely doing nothing. It’s a great term for us when we can’t find a good excuse to cancel something.
4. I’m so close to paying off my credit card
I get so close to paying off my credit card and then another purchase, – always necessary – that takes me a step back.
5. I will do a lot of things this weekend
Friday night: On the couch with pizza and Netflix for seven hours.
Saturday: Sleep until 11. Shower and naked in bed scrolling through Instagram until suddenly it’s 5pm. I decide to go out with friends even though I wanted to stay in and rest so I can be productive on Sunday. I’m trying to get a drink. I fail and it is not one.
Sunday: Hungover. I need to prepare meals for the week, but I don’t have the energy. Suddenly it’s 8pm too late to be productive@. I sit on the couch until I go to sleep.
6. I can do it by myself
“No, you can’t,” said @ physical therapist, the bank account, or @ psychologist. And all this because you didn’t ask a friend for help moving the sofa, you didn’t ask your parents to borrow it, or you think you can do it all by yourself. Maybe you can, but sometimes it’s nice to ask for help.
7. I have to cancel tonight, I have a lot of work to do.
*leaves work on time*, *skips the gym*, *sits on the couch and watches TV for 5 hours before going to bed*
8. Sorry for replying now, just saw this in spam
This may come as a shock, but no one reads spam. Especially me. In some exceptional cases I’d bet I saw the email and replied but ended up thinking about it while driving.
9. I’m fine
This mechanical answer to “what are you doing”. Ok, don’t take all your problems out on anyone who might politely ask what you’re doing. But this automated response that can save you time and analysis in conversations does not do justice to the genuine interest shown by a friend or your mom. If you ask, I’m fine but I’d like some vacation.
10. Oh yes, of course I know him
No, actually I don’t know what it is. Is an actor; Is he a rapper? Is it a boy band? I don’t know who he is but I’ll pretend I do. You thought you were hip, but the youth now keep reminding you that you’re not. But you’re still young enough to pretend.
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