Kerry Washington details the consequences of her eating disorder, not only for her mental health, but also for her life.

In an interview with Robin Roberts, Washington revealed that she had suicidal thoughts at the height of her disorder and was “trying to self-destruct”.

The actress also read an excerpt from her new memoir, “Thicker Than Water” — out Sept. 26 — and shared that by the time she got to college, her relationship with food and her body had “become a toxic cycle of self-abuse that used the tools of starvation, overeating, physical obsession, and compulsive exercise.”

“I could feel that the abuse was a way of really hurting myself, like I didn’t want to be here,” she said. “It scared me that I couldn’t want to be here because I was in so much pain.”

Asked if she thought about killing herself, Washington replied: “Nh. Yes… My behavior was that with small actions I tried to destroy myself”.

She even said she prayed that she would be able to escape the eating disorder as the situation spiraled out of control and she struggled to maintain her “perfect” image to the outside world.

“The first thing that brought me to my knees — like the first time I got down on my knees and prayed to some power greater than myself to say, ‘I can’t do this, I need some help’ — was with my food,” she said.

“I was good at delivering ‘perfect’. I was good at checking. I could be partying all night and drinking and smoking and having sex and performing and getting good grades,” he continued. “I knew how to handle it. I was so high functioning and food took me out. The body dysmorphia, the body hatred, was beyond my control and it really made me feel like ‘I need help from someone, or something, bigger than me because I have a problem and I don’t know how to live with it.'” .

Washington also said that although she is better now, she battles her eating disorder every day.

“I wouldn’t say I never play with food, it’s just a lot different now,” she said. “It’s not extreme. There is no suicidal ideation, I’m not there anymore… The bottom has gone much higher, where a little discomfort with it is enough to know that this is a way of controlling myself. It’s much easier. It makes a lot more sense than it used to.”