Brissa Ortega and Devin Joll still haven’t decided the best way to inform about 35 friends, relatives and co-workers that they are no longer invited to their November wedding.
Ortega, 33, a product marketing analyst at software security firm Synopsys, and Joll, 34, were aiming to get married in August 2020.
They invited about 80 people over the phone and in person before postponing the event because of the pandemic, warning those who asked that they would reschedule the ceremony.
After considering new dates – August 2022, then April 2023 – the couple settled on November 27. As they replanned the wedding, they noticed “an increase in prices” charged by many vendors, Ortega said.
To cut expenses, she and Joll, who live in Santa Clara, Calif., reduced the guest list to about 45 before booking the venue, a resort in Napa Valley, Calif., earlier this month.
Now that they’ve secured the spot, they face a conundrum: how to inform the uninvited — or whether to tell them. “I don’t think we’re going to say anything for now,” Ortega said, “just because it’s going to be a very small wedding” compared to what they’ve postponed.
While social etiquette has become more relaxed, canceling wedding invitations is still seen by some as a major faux pas.
But the lingering pandemic has forced many couples to do just that in the past two years, for reasons that include changes to Covid-19 protocols, rising costs and a wave of postponed events that has left many struggling to find available venues.
Even if invitations are only made in person, people should always be notified when they are uninvited, said Elaine Swann, an etiquette expert and founder of the Swann School of Protocol in Carlsbad, Calif.
She suggests uninviting people the same way they were invited. If they received “save the date” cards in the mail, for example, they should be notified by mail that they are no longer invited.
No matter the medium, couples should be transparent about what led up to their decision, Swann said. “Here, it’s acceptable to be very honest and say, ‘We’ve decided to do a much smaller ceremony’.”
Mary Guido, who runs Mary Guido Atelier, a wedding planning company in Washington DC, recommends being “accurate and personal” when letting guests know they’ve been uninvited.
In the wake of the pandemic, she and her now-husband Nicholas McMurray, 33, drastically scaled back their nuptial ceremony on May 30, 2020.
Guido and McMurray, managing director of public policy at ClearPath, a clean energy organization, kept the date but opted for a self-union ceremony at the Tregaron Conservancy in Washington, with only one photographer present. His previous guests –175– were uninvited over the phone.
“They were very compassionate and understanding,” said Guido, 30, who is also director of global events for the International Women’s Forum.
By the time Ashley Montufar, 31, and Zachary Burgess, 30, decided to push back their original wedding date, scheduled for September 26, 2020, they had already sent “save the date” to about 100 people, who were first notified of the wedding. change of plans via social networks, telephone and word of mouth.
After postponing it because of Covid-19, the couple, who live in Millington, New Jersey, did not immediately want to reschedule for the same reason. To give themselves a little flexibility, they initially avoided detailing future plans, simply telling guests that the wedding was on hold and that they were looking for new dates.
Montufar, who is an engineer at ExxonMobil and Burgess, and a digital and analytics leader at healthcare company Haleon, decided to exchange vows in front of five family members in June 2021, on the penthouse of the William Vale Hotel in New York. A reception would come months later, in September. For reasons including cost and guest safety, they decided to invite only 40 people to the event, which they held in their backyard.
Prior to the reception, those on the original wedding guest list received one of two postcards in the mail.
One, as Montufar recounted, told recipients, “We ran away – but come celebrate with us on September 4, 2021.” The other carried the news that the two were legally married and included a link to a website with photos and videos of the ceremony.
The couple considered re-inviting people from the original list to the reception when some last-minute openings related to the pandemic emerged. But they ended up choosing to fill these places with other acquaintances, such as brothers of some of the friends present.
Montufar feared that the decision could upset his guests who saw photos of the reception on social media. “I felt so bad,” she said, “because obviously they saw one of my best friend’s little sisters there, and it’s like, ‘Oh, they invited the little sister, but they didn’t invite me.’
No one has expressed disappointment to the couple that the invitation has been revoked, but Montufar said she still feels guilty.
It may seem simple, but re-inviting people can be as risky as uninviting them, said Tracy Taylor Ward, owner of event planning firm Tracy Taylor Ward Design in New York.
But these days, “given the state of the world and ever-changing pandemic conditions, we encourage everyone — couples and their guests — to be kind and act on the assumption that loved ones have the best intentions,” she added.
When re-inviting an uninvited couple, couples should “be as honest as possible” while taking an informal approach, said Gayle Szuchman, president of Events by Gayle in Norwalk, Connecticut. “Consider even adding a little humor,” Szuchman said, “something like ‘Let’s try again’ or ‘Please be our guest again’.”
Translated by Luiz Roberto M. Gonçalves
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