Are we still monogamous? Therapists indicate questions to check how your relationship is going

The last two years or so have been universally turbulent. Couples therapists say they deal with the consequences daily in their offices.

Even now, when the pandemic has ceased to dominate daily life, many continue to work, shop and countless other things online, which leads them to rely on their significant other to satisfy their social and emotional needs.

“I see in my office how this trend puts a strain on core romantic relationships,” commented Laura Silverstein, clinical social therapist and author of “Love Is an Action Word.” She co-owns a practice in Pennsylvania that is having trouble keeping up with the demand for care.

Many of the couples who see her are stuck “in isolated survival mode,” the therapist said. Their relationship came down to managing household chores. Other couples have forgotten how to have fun or how important it is to have spontaneous interactions with the outside world. Some are still processing trauma.

The following seven questions will help you check on how your relationship is going, whether the two of you are still shaken by the pandemic, or whether you’ve gone back to your old routines, without pausing for thought.

The couples and sex therapists who came up with the questions say they should spark interesting conversations, whether the two of you are in a relationship that has spanned decades or is relatively recent. They also said that with practice it becomes easier to ask and answer the questions.

1. What do we like to do together for fun?

An important theory about why couples get divorced or what causes two people to be dissatisfied with each other is that the joy, passion and general positive feeling they felt at the beginning of the relationship fades over time, said Sarah Whitton, a psychologist and director of the Today’s Couples and Families research program at the University of Cincinnati.

Physical attraction and hormones aren’t the only reasons why relationships are exciting when they’re in their infancy. This is also, according to Whitton, because “we spend our time doing fun activities.”

She recommends that couples get a calendar, look at what they’ve done in the last week or month, and ask, “How many minutes do we spend doing something fun or enjoyable together?” From there, they can try to have more fun together.

2. Who takes out the trash today?

The pandemic has led couples to change the division of household chores. Some data on heterosexual couples suggest the division has become more equal at home, but in many other families lockdowns have only exacerbated gender disparities.

Clinical psychologist Galena Rhoades, a research professor at the University of Denver, thinks that all couples should spend time discussing how they are dividing up child care and household chores and whether this is working logistically and emotionally.

“Take a specific time to talk about who does what and what roles you want to play from now on,” she recommended. Plan the discussion as if it were a business meeting. Know what you want to discuss. Keep distractions to a minimum. Be as explicit as possible about who will do what. Wait a few weeks with the new routine to do a reassessment.

3. What is one thing we like about our sex life?

If couples are experiencing sexual doldrums, they tend to focus on the negatives, said sex therapist Tammy Nelson, author of “Open Monogamy: A Guide to Co-Creating Your Ideal Relationship Agreement.” create your ideal relationship agreement, in Portuguese).

For her, what works much better is focusing on what’s working. “You’re not going to change your sex life by saying ‘I hate it when you go left,'” she explained. “Needs to say, ‘I love it when you go to the right.'”

Nelson encourages people in a couple to identify one thing they appreciate about their sex life. It could be something the two people did together 20 years ago; it could be a subtle gesture, for example the way one person touches the other’s face. Turning your attention to those moments and talking openly about them together can help rekindle the couple’s erotic energy, the therapist said.

4. How have we helped each other through difficult times?

According to Silverstein, whenever the couple goes through a rough patch together, it’s important to set aside time afterwards to reflect on what happened. What worked? What didn’t work? Even though the last few years have been traumatic for you and your significant other for a variety of reasons, most couples can identify what Silverstein calls “micro-moments” when each was there to help the other.

Another way of looking at it is to think, “How are we dependent on each other? How has each of us felt?” That’s the suggestion of Jesse Kahn, clinical social therapist and director of the Center for Gender and Sexuality Therapy in New York.

5. Are we still on the same page regarding monogamy?

According to Tammy Nelson, monogamy has different meanings for different people, and that doesn’t just apply to people in open relationships. She encourages her clients to regularly update their “monogamy agreements”, discussing the details of the relationship forms they find acceptable outside of their primary relationship and asking if anything has changed in that area.

Be specific. Perhaps you and your better half agreed, a long time ago, that sexual fidelity would be essential. But what about online conversations? “What about things like pornography?” Nelson asked. “What about flirting with a friend? And having lunch with an ex?”

6. What is worrying you that you still haven’t told me?

Rafaella Smith-Fiallo, clinical social therapist and couples and sex therapist, thinks this is a good question for people to ask their significant other regularly (e.g. daily or weekly), but can also be appropriate for larger moments. of transition. With that, she explained, you open the door for your partner to show you your vulnerability and remind him or her that the two of you are a team.

Resist the urge to try to resolve issues immediately. Instead, Smith-Fiallo recommended, practice active listening. “It might seem like a cumbersome, awkward thing,” she said. “But make time and space for it, knowing that you are in this together.”

7. How can I help you feel more loved?

“I think that’s a beautiful question,” said Silverstein, saying that the person responsible for it is the well-known researcher John Gottman, a scholar of marital relations. People who want to strengthen their romantic relationship are often asked what they want and need, she explained. But asking this question is a very clear way of showing how important your better half is to you.

“In our conversations with our partners, we want to ask what we need, but we also want to be generous and offer to meet the partner’s needs,” said Silverstein.

HOW TO FACE RELATIONSHIP ASSESSMENTS

These questions can be thorny. So, experts say, couples should plan ahead and really use their best communication skills. Don’t ask these questions while you’re feeding your kids breakfast or when your partner isn’t fully awake. Act with kindness and consideration, looking to find a time that works well for both of you.

According to Smith-Fiallo, when talking about the relationship, it can be helpful to use phrases containing “I”. So, let’s say, instead of saying something like “you make me feel…”, try saying “when such a thing happened, I felt x, y or z”, she recommended.

All the experts cited mentioned that some couples may find these discussions easier and more constructive if they are done with the help of a therapist.

And then practice, practice a lot! The goal is to have these relationship state discussions not only after major shifts and transitions, but also to create a habit of communication in your relationship so that you have this conversation on a regular, daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly basis. , said Smith-Fiallo.

“It can be really helpful to remind each other that you are a team,” she said. “You’re in this together.”

Translation by Clara Allain