‘Soul mate’ and 6 other ‘myths’ about relationships

How many times have you sat down with a friend to talk about a relationship, be it his, yours, or even another couple?

Or maybe you’re interested in reality shows where the goal is supposed to be finding love.

For many of us, the dynamics of romantic relationships are absolutely fascinating.

But why? That’s what BBC Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour program in the UK asked Susanna Abse, president of the British Psychoanalytic Council (BPC).

His book “Tell Me the Truth About Love: 13 Tales from the Therapist’s Couch” is based on his more than 30 years of experience in therapy. for couples facing obstacles in their love lives.

“Relationships are central to our lives. They give us more joy and cause us more pain when things go wrong,” says Abse.

“Every relationship is different and setting rules for how people conduct their love lives is usually not very helpful. However, it is often worth it to be curious and question our relationships with other people.”

“That said, it’s understandable that we want to read and watch content that reflects our own lives and maybe helps us understand things that sometimes seem very difficult to understand,” he says.

According to Abse, there are certain outdated myths that are repeated and rarely contribute favorably to the development of our love life.

1. ‘There is only one person for each of us: your soulmate’

“The belief that there is only one person for you is not empirically proven and has been refuted by most people’s experience,” says the expert.

“However, the idea of ​​a ‘soulmate’ perhaps carries some truth.”

“It’s not about fate or mysticity, it’s about people who have strong feelings because they are somehow powerfully intertwined with others.”

“Maybe it’s because both partners suffered an early loss or they both have similar concerns about what it really means to be close to someone,” says Abse.

“That ‘soulmate’ feeling is often present in the process of falling in love, and maybe it helps you give your heart to someone without getting too scared.”

2. ‘If you don’t feel a spark right away, the relationship is doomed’

“People develop their relationships in different ways,” says the author.

“In some cases, there are people who see the other person and fall in love with them immediately, in a very romantic way.”

“Other people, perhaps because they are more cautious, develop a relationship or friendship over a long period of time. They can get to know each other and not rush to create a love relationship.”

“But I think for most people, that feeling of falling in love is a very important bonding experience. It can help overcome hesitation about getting into a relationship, becoming intimate, or committing to someone, which can be scary. “, he says.

“That spark is like a bonus against some of the worries we all have about falling in love.”

“However, you have to remember that not only every person, but every relationship is different. Just because you didn’t magically fall in love doesn’t mean the relationship won’t develop and grow.”

3. ‘You can change something you don’t like about your partner’

“Usually this idea is doomed to failure,” says Susanna Abse.

“You are likely to encounter considerable resistance when actively trying to change your partner, which may be passively rather than overtly.”

“However, close relationships change us and there are many things each party can learn from the other in the emotional sphere as well as in the practical aspects of everyday life.”

4. ‘A good relationship should be easy’

“How lucky you are if that’s your case!” says the specialist.

“Most people find relationships joyful and challenging.”

“Almost all long-term relationships go through difficult times, and doing what you can to get through them together often deepens a couple’s bond,” he says.

“Now, if you tend to end up in relationships where you’re uncomfortable or you feel like everything went too fast and you want to change your mind, remember that you’re someone who needs time.”

“Maybe you have a tendency to accept things you probably don’t want, so learn about yourself and the things you are comfortable with.”

“I don’t think there are any hard and fast rules, but definitely don’t allow yourself to feel pressured into doing things you don’t want to do.”

5. ‘A good relationship should always be exciting’

“Emotion also implies danger, doesn’t it?”

“If you’re really excited and in too much of a hurry to get into a relationship, it’s also possible that you’re going to rush out of it.”

“It’s great when we feel like we can bounce back quickly. But over the years, people may feel less able to handle these effusive ups and downs in relationships that start and end.”

“If you’ve had a lot of exciting but a little disappointing relationships, you can become a little more cautious and take things slower,” he says.

“It’s good to remember that excitement is great, but pleasure is also very important. And as you get older, some of those pleasures can be a little more laid-back and planned.”

6. ‘Marriage or babies can save a relationship’

“Unfortunately, that doesn’t happen often,” says Abse.

“Planning a wedding can bring some couples together, but it can also be a source of great tension. Getting married will not save a relationship that is in trouble.”

“And the same goes for having children.”

“It’s very gratifying for many people, but all the evidence indicates that it doesn’t do much for relationship satisfaction. Going from two to three has a lot of complications, and the babies’ needs often take precedence over the partner’s needs.”

“If the relationship is strong and the couple knows how to deal with disappointments and differences, the years of parenthood can be wonderful.”

“And they can also expect more pleasures when the kids leave home.”

7. ‘An ultimatum is the key to marriage or having children’

“It’s a high-stakes gamble, especially if you’re not serious about breaking up,” says the expert.

“But sometimes you can get to a point in a relationship where you need to say, ‘There are things I want and if you don’t want them, maybe now is the time for us to part.'”

“If you’re a woman in your thirties and you really want to have kids and you have a partner who is stalling for it, you may be forced to face reality, however painful it may be.”

“But I don’t think you should constantly give ultimatums in a relationship. They involve a threat of abandonment, and the threat of abandonment tends to do a lot of damage to the relationship.”

This text was originally published here