‘It’s like not having children is a tragedy’: the stigma against women who are not mothers

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Every time screenwriter Jaqueline Vargas answers ‘no’ to the question “Do you have children?” she hears a long, mournful “Ahhhhhhhh!”. “It’s like not having children is a tragedy,” she says. After the initial scare, the first questions arise: “Who will take care of you in old age?” and “Why don’t you adopt a child?” are the most frequent.

And that’s not all, she says. People still ask her if she has any health problems and, finally, they propose foolproof solutions.

“The vast majority try to help solve this lack of children. The possibility of simply not wanting to be a mother is one of the last that arises and almost always to end the matter”, he adds.

Author of films, soap operas and series, such as Predestinado (2022), Floribella (2005-2006) and Session of Therapy (2019-2021), Jaqueline Vargas has just released the book “Aquela que Não É Mãe” (Buzz Editor). In it, he brings together poems (“In paradise there are no mothers / In paradise there are no children / In paradise they only exist”) and reflections (“It’s not a disease that I feel. children”) on the topic. The decision not to have children, says the screenwriter, came gradually. First, still young, at 18. Then, she thought about it again at 33. And, finally, around 40, she decided to take over.

The family did not criticize his decision. But, on the other hand, she always encouraged motherhood. Not only the family, but society, which has always associated the mother figure with something unique, sacred, immaculate: “the most beautiful moment in every woman’s life”, they say… “When a woman gives up being this sacred creature to be just a woman, as if that were not enough, it causes astonishment. After all, she has always been responsible for several functions, such as taking care of the house, children, the elderly and so on. The woman as caregiver of herself is something relatively new “, he observes.

“For many people, the woman who doesn’t want to have children is a strange woman, who causes astonishment. And in the face of astonishment, many people can be hostile.”

Personal desire x social pressure

Childless women are not free from suffering attacks or facing prejudice. On October 12, 2021, journalist Ana Paula Padrão was at a friend’s house when, at some point, she thought about posting a beautiful photo with her little son. Instead, she posted a text on Instagram that read, “Today is Children’s Day and there are no children at home. I have not had children. And believe me, life without children is not an empty life…” .

To the journalist’s surprise, the text went viral on social media. “For me, it’s a very natural subject. But I realized that I uncovered a box of taboos. The repercussion surprised me”, says the presenter of the MasterChef program, from Band.

In the text, Padrão says that she has already suffered a miscarriage. He also says that, nowadays, he understands that the desire to get pregnant was more related to social pressure than a personal desire.

“When they ask me if I have children, I say no with such calmness that it disarms people”, continues Padrão. “I’m not and I don’t seem to be a sad woman. I don’t feel incomplete. My life is happy and a lot of fun. Above all, I’m who I wanted to be”, she guarantees.

“It’s hard to criticize an accomplished person like me for not having followed a collective expectation. This demand doesn’t affect me. It talks more about who demands than about my choices”.

To have or not to have: that is the question

In Brazil, 37% of women of childbearing age (from 15 to 49 years old) do not think about having children at any time. And 81% do not think about having children for at least the next five years. Among those interviewed, 56% are in a stable relationship and 74% work fully or partially.

This is what a survey carried out by the pharmaceutical company Bayer, with support from the Brazilian Federation of Gynecology and Obstetrics Associations (Febrasgo) and Think About Needs in Contraception (TANCO) points out. The study interviewed 726 gynecologists and 7,000 patients (1,100 Brazilians).

“Even today, women who do not want to have children are forced to hear that they are selfish or questioned if they have any psychological trauma”, says anthropologist Mirian Goldenberg. “The most curious thing is that women themselves demand that they be mothers from other women. As if motherhood were the only legitimate choice, or even the most legitimate of all.”

Goldenberg knows what he’s talking about. She never had children. And she has even written a chronicle on the subject, To have or not to have children: Eis a Questão, from 2017.

“Despite the social pressure and pressure from friends, I decided, from a very young age, that I wouldn’t have it”, says the text.

PhD in Social Anthropology from the Federal University of Rio de Janeiro (UFRJ), she says that, in her case, there was never a moment when she decided not to be a mother. She just never had that desire. Her two ex-husbands wanted it. So much so that after they broke up, they did.

“I never felt charged. Not by my family, not by my ex-husbands. I felt charged, yes, by my friends and by other women.”

In 2012, the professor of the Department of Clinical Psychology at the Universidade Estadual Paulista Júlio de Mesquita Filho (UNESP), Thássia Souza Emídio, published a study, They Don’t Want to Be Mothers: Some Reflections on Choosing Non-Motherhood Today, in partnership with the student Thais Gigek.

At the time, the researchers interviewed six women, between 30 and 55 years old, who did not want to have children. Instead of motherhood, they prioritized other projects, such as a professional career, for example.

“Our sexist and patriarchal society cannot see women beyond their role as mothers. However, there are different possibilities. The female path is plural. Other ideals of life can be configured. It is necessary to break with this social norm that connects the feminine to motherhood”, says Thássia.

Life without children abroad

In the US, childless women have gained their own terms: “childless” and “childfree”. Who explains the difference is the psychologist Kate Kaufmann, author of the book Do You Have Children? – How Women Live When the Answer Is No (Editor LeYa).

“Childless are women who wanted to have children, but never had. And childfree, those who chose not to have them”, he distinguishes. Kate and her husband Dan are part of the first group. They tried, but they couldn’t get pregnant.

“We stopped when the doctors said our next step was in vitro fertilization,” he confesses. “For me it was unnatural and prohibitively expensive.” Today, the couple raise sheep in a rural community in Portland, Oregon.

Karen Malone Wright, founder of theNotMom website (“No Mothers”, in free translation) and organizer of the NotMom Summit (“Non-Mothers Meeting”), prefers to classify women without children as “by choice” or “by chance” ( “By choice” or “by chance”, in the original).

According to the 2014 census, 47% of American women between the ages of 15 and 44 have not had children. The website of the institution, founded in 2012, lists some famous non-mothers, such as British writer Virginia Woolf (1882-1941), French fashion designer Coco Chanel (1883-1971), Mexican painter Frida Kahlo (1907-1954), American actress Katharine Hepburn (1907-2003), former Argentine first lady Eva Perón (1919-1952)…

At the 2017 edition of the NotMom Summit, held in Cleveland, Ohio, the guest speaker was British psychotherapist Jody Day.

She is the creator of the term “NoMo” (acronym for No Mothers) and author of the book Living the Life Unexpected: How to Find Hope, Meaning and a Fulfilling Future Without Children, unpublished in Brazil.

Day wanted to have children, but, single at 43, after two relationships, she realized that she would not be able to fulfill her dream.

Today, at 57, she lives in Ireland with her second husband, mother and a dog. In 2011, she co-founded Gateway Women, a support group for women who have been unable to conceive. In 2016, according to the British Institute for Statistics (ONS), 18% of women in the UK did not think about having children. In 1991, this rate was 9%.

“Not wanting to have children is not a crime”

In Brazil, there are already initiatives of this type, such as the online groups Sem Filhos or Não Nasci Pra Ser Mãe.

For screenwriter Jaqueline Vargas, the exchange of experiences can bring many benefits. And for a variety of reasons.

She lists a few: first, because it’s obvious that you’re not the only one who doesn’t want to have children. Second, because an environment of affinities generates more security and freedom to expose oneself without fear of judgment. And third because, by verbalizing and listening, we have the possibility of re-signifying this “absolute truth” that has been imposed on women throughout history. “As for guilt, more than alleviating it, the exchange can lead to the understanding that there is no guilt”, says Vargas.

The writer Thalita Rebouças understood that she did not have the vocation to be a mother until she was 30 years old.

“It was a conscious decision”, says the presenter of The Voice Kids who, every now and then, hears the very same question: “Don’t you regret it?”.

“I think it’s tremendously absurd! It makes you want to ask those who had it: ‘And you, do you regret it?’ I chose not to have one and I don’t regret it. Why do we have to have children? Have you noticed that no one demands that from men?”.

Her talent as a children’s writer, she reports in interviews, has already been called into question by the simple fact of not having children. On one occasion, someone blurted out: “Are you pregnant? It’s about time!” “Making a child is easy, educating is what they are!”, she usually replies. Have a child to leave with a nanny? No way!

Author of bestsellers such as All For A Popstar (2003), Seriously, Mom! (2004) and Ela Disse, Ele Disse (2011), among others, Rebouças explains that she did not want to give up her nightlife, when she likes to spend the night writing books and scripts to take care of her offspring.

“Not wanting to have children is not a crime. On the contrary. It is a difficult decision. A decision to love the world, love your neighbor and love yourself.”

This text was originally published here

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