Jealousy between friends can make friendship more fulfilling

When a friend of Bob Bergeson’s invited him to a Denver Nuggets basketball game with other new friends, he was excited to go. The night would cost him nearly $400, which he wouldn’t normally spend like this.

But Bergeson’s extravagance was not out of devotion to basketball. He reached into his pocket because he was unsure of his already strained relationship with his friend, because he knew he was approaching a new group of people.

“He started hanging out with the parents of his daughter’s friends on the football team and talking about them fondly, so I thought, ‘Guys, he’s kind of made new friends.’ I needed to be a part of it to continue to feel important to him,” said Bergeson, 42, a business consultant in Denver, in the United States.

“Just as you can lose a love partner to someone else, as a friend, you can also lose your place,” said Jaimie Krems, a friendship researcher and assistant professor of psychology at Oklahoma State University, adding that this fear of being replaced is often born of jealousy.

And one way to deal with that, she says, is to do something social scientists call guarding friends — attitudes like giving a lot of praise or taking down a new rival, for example — to maintain a threatened relationship.

“Like all attitudes, there are good and bad aspects of guarding friends.” Telling your friend that you’re trapped in your relationship can reinforce that, but according to her, badmouthing your friend’s new friend can cause a breakup.

Miriam Kirmayer, a friendship expert and clinical psychologist in Ottawa, Ontario, said feelings of jealousy and envy in friendships were quite common among her adult clients, but many were ashamed of it because it was mistaken for “a sign of immaturity.”

On the contrary, assured Kirmayer. When handled correctly, jealousy can lead to a deeper understanding of yourself and, as a result, friendships are more fulfilling. See some tips.

Questions can strengthen a relationship

“Feelings of fear, anger and jealousy often make people uncomfortable, but like all emotions, they evolve to protect well-being. Negative emotions alert us to potential danger and motivate us to take preventive measures,” explained Mark. Leary, a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Duke University.

In really dangerous scenarios — in a pandemic, for example — you can deal with your anxiety by wearing a mask and moving away from crowds. In less dramatic situations, like when you think you’re about to lose a friend, you can try to become a better listener or be more upbeat.

When jealousy comes to the surface, start by questioning whether you’ve really been a good friend. You may ask yourself, “What kind of friend do I want to be?” And maybe the answer will help guide you towards traits that promote acceptance in your social circle, like being more compassionate and generous, for example.

Identifying the origins of your feelings can also help you to notice possible triggers that might make your jealousy worse. If you’re already doubting yourself at work, for example, you might assume that refusing an invitation to dinner is a sign of a friend pulling away.

In other cases, unhealed childhood wounds – inconsistent caregivers, for example – can make you more sensitive to rejection as an adult. To identify these potential triggers, ask questions like “What experiences have you had that could be linked to this feeling?” and “Is my jealousy triggered by circumstances in my life?” suggested Kirmayer.

Instead of letting jealousy provoke negative responses like accusations, you can take this emotion as a signal to talk to your friend or to resolve some issues on your own.

We rarely ask ourselves, “What should I expect from a good friendship?” Leary said. But stating your needs and developing boundaries can solidify trust, which helps build more mature friendships.

The truth is not always clear

When jealousy grows, perhaps the easiest thing is to assume that there is something wrong with you. But in most cases, this is far from the truth.

“Even though our feelings are real, our brains don’t always offer us objective truths,” said Joel Minden, a clinical psychologist and professor at California State University, Chico, and author of “Show Your Anxiety Who’s Boss.” who is the boss, in Portuguese).

To manage self-critical thoughts, Joel suggests checking to see if there is another way to understand the situation. If your best friend cancels your weekly phone date to go out to dinner with a new friend, you might think it’s because you’re boring or a bad friend.

But ask yourself if there’s any evidence for or against this idea, or if there’s “any more explanation for the other’s behavior that’s more realistic,” Joel advised, adding that replacing negative thoughts with more helpful thoughts can perhaps ease the emotional burden. brought on by painful assumptions.

For example, “my friend needs other friends” is easier to swallow than “my friend is replacing me.”

Reframe negative thoughts

Another way to get rid of negative feelings generated by jealousy is to find small ways to be happy for your friend, said Sara Konrath, an empathy researcher at Indiana University.

Instead of dwelling on how your friend’s new friendship affects you, she says, think, “I’m glad he has someone else he feels connected to.” When we prioritize empathy in friendships, reminders of how much our friends mean to us and how much we mean to them can temper jealousy.

As for Bergeson, he had a lot of fun playing the game and his jealousy turned out to be short-lived. “My friend made a point of having fun with me, and it alleviated my fear of losing his friendship to a new group.”