How to regain connection with your teen

by

When the coronavirus pandemic began, Antoinette Taft’s son Noah, who was 12 years old at the time, disappeared into a world of screens. He spent hours alone in his room, playing Fortnite and other video games. When Taft, 50, tried to convince him to leave, he was outraged and begged for an electronic device. At its peak, he was online 16 or 17 hours a day.

“I’m ashamed to say that I found out he was setting an alarm clock to play games with his East Coast friends at 4 or 5 am,” said Taft, who lives in Albuquerque, New Mexico (the Midwest United States), and has four more children.

She and Noah once had a warm, easy relationship, but when the pandemic started, she “wasn’t able to talk to him anymore,” Taft said. Noah, who is now 14 years old, avoided his chores and schoolwork. When his mother tried to talk, he slammed doors and yelled.

For Taft and other parents like her, maintaining a meaningful emotional connection with a teenager during the pandemic was a heroic task. And the roots of this disconnect may lie in children’s emotional struggles: in a survey by the CDC, more than a third of high school students said they had mental health problems during the pandemic in the United States. country, and 44% said they had frequent feelings of sadness or hopelessness, an increase of nearly 37% from 2019.

At the same time, estimates suggest that the average amount of time teens spend using screens may have doubled during the pandemic — a trend that researchers believe could contribute to teens’ poorer mental health.

Trying to communicate with a teenager in these circumstances may seem impossible, but strengthening the emotional bond with your child helps in the long run. Strong parental relationships are linked to higher levels of self-control in teens, as well as higher self-esteem. Research also suggests that teenagers generally like their parents, look up to them and want to spend time with them, even as they are figuring out how to be more independent.

The New York Times spoke with several teen development experts who explained their strategies for creating a connection with your teens.

Lower Expectations on What “Connection” Really Means

When a preteen or teen is moody or withdrawn, maybe it’s not just because of their changing hormones. It is normal for young people to move away from their parents as they develop.

Research shows, for example, that teenagers’ brains are programmed to tune their mothers’ voices in favor of less familiar ones.

“Every teenager is testing the limits of independence,” said Jessi Gold, a psychiatrist at Washington University in St. Louis (USA).

With that in mind, Julie Ross, executive director of parenting organization Parenting Horizons and author of “How to Hug a Porcupine: Negotiating the Prickly Points of the Tween Years” de adolescence, in Portuguese), said that parents should moderate their expectations about what is a strong connection during pre-teen and adolescence.

Yes, some young people remain very close to their parents, but it’s not necessary to have deep, meaningful conversations to have a healthy, trusting relationship.

“Teenagers aren’t especially ‘in sync’ with anyone, not even themselves most of the time,” Ross said. Instead, she encourages parents to make the effort to tune in to their teens, which can often be done by watching their body language or the way they connect with their peers.

Pay attention to changes in mood or behavior, such as changes in school performance or differences in eating or sleeping patterns that last for weeks or months. This indicates a bigger problem, such as depression or anxiety.

“If they’re isolating themselves completely or seem very angry with everyone, it’s usually a warning sign,” Gold said.

Be curious about their interests

Ross believes the best way to build a connection with teens is to get involved with their interests. This doesn’t mean you have to share their interests, but Gold does suggest that parents maintain an “attitude of curiosity.”

When one of her children was a teenager and was deeply interested in online games that she found incomprehensible, Ross was able to bond with him by asking questions about game strategies. But many banal interests can provide connection opportunities.

A customer of Ross’s approached her teenage daughter after finding out what the girl’s favorite drink was at Starbucks and offering it after soccer practice.

Katherine Ort, head of child and adolescent psychiatry at New York University Langone Children’s Hospital Hassenfeld, said it might be enough to just watch teens’ favorite videos on YouTube or TikTok along with them.

Keeping your conversations focused on a teenager’s interests can be particularly helpful if your child isn’t very talkative.

“Getting them excited to talk about something that’s important to them can provide a lot of information and connections without announcing like, ‘I’d like to talk about X, Y, and Z right now,'” Ort said.

turn off your screens

Strategies that can be helpful for adults who spend a lot of time on their phones can also benefit teens, like experiencing screen fasting or taking time to get away from devices. Modeling those sacrifices is important, Ort added. Screen fasts can become a family affair.

If your goal isn’t simply to get your teens to cut down on screen time, but to entice them to spend that time communicating with you, then you need to make the alternative as compelling as the device, she said.

To find out what might work for your teen, brainstorm together. Ross has worked with parents who bond with their teens on games like Letters Against Humanity, which appeal to their sense of humor and lighten the mood.

Maybe your child wants to walk the dog or try a new restaurant. What matters is presenting a screenless option that they express real interest in.

Try not to judge and give it time

As psychologist Lisa Damour wrote in The New York Times, one reason teens don’t talk to their parents is that they worry their mom or dad will have the “wrong reaction,” especially if they’re opening up about things like failing in school or trying alcohol or drugs.

Of course, rules and structure are essential. And all parents will judge their children at times. But the experts interviewed emphasized the importance of giving teenagers a chance to open up without making them feel like they’re going to get in trouble.

“Teenagers will come to you more if they don’t feel like every time they do something, they’re listening to a lecture,” Gold said. “So do your best, when they talk to you, to validate their emotions and not judge them for what they’re saying.”

For Taft, setting aside 15 minutes a day with Noah for them to have an open conversation about his world — whether it’s something like a problem with friends at school, or a mere detail from his video game — has slowly helped bring them closer. They also attend online family therapy sessions, during which the mother learned strategies for maintaining tighter boundaries around screen time.

Noah still spends about four hours a day online, more than Taft would like. But he also spent the summer going to a leadership academy and fishing camp, where he could get outdoors and reconnect with peers. It helped her mood in general, and she’s confident the new school year will be good – for Noah and for their relationship.

“Slowly,” she said, “the communication between us opened up again.”

Translated by Luiz Roberto M. Gonçalves

You May Also Like

Recommended for you