The Divorce Coaches Helping Couples in Post-Separation Life

The first six months after 60-year-old Katie discovered her husband was having an affair were one of uncertainty. She describes that the beginning of her divorce process felt like grieving – friends brought her food, she lost weight, felt angry and shed a lot of tears.

Katie lives near Bath, UK, and was devastated by the end of her 35-year marriage. Until a friend of her niece’s, who was a lawyer, made a suggestion.

“She asked me if I could hire a divorce coach, [porque] would be my best investment,” she says.

Katie contacted a divorce coach from Bristol, also in the UK, and now claims the experience “changed her life”. The coach, who was a former lawyer, was totally focused on the emotional side of dealing with the breakup, and Katie says it helped her see her new life as an opportunity.

She got rid of items from her home that reminded her of her wedding and decided to take a gap year to travel the world.

“I remember thinking very hard: This divorce is not going to define me,” she says. “I remember a session where my divorce coach was talking about ‘riding the waves.’ harbor’.”

According to the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale – which measures the stress of different life events – divorce is the second most stressful experience a person can face, after the death of a spouse.

But a growing group of divorce coaches promise to make the separation process a little easier. Experts say that more and more couples and individuals are looking to coaches to help them through marital breakups and many divorce lawyers are now referring clients to coaching services to help them deal with emotional, financial and logistical difficulties. of the end of a marriage.

Who seeks the divorce coach?

For Natalia Juarez, a divorce coach from Toronto, Canada, the decision to help others through breakups was a very personal one.

She started working as a coach after her engagement ended, when she was just under 30 years old. Now, she mainly helps guide people, but sometimes couples as well, through the end of their engagements and marriages.

Juarez long ago established a schedule that includes an initial call to define the main issues that led to the divorce and set goals, followed by weekly follow-up sessions.

She recommends three months of coaching, but says that about half of her clients continue to work with her after this initial phase. Her prices range from $300 (about $1,570) for a single session to $3,000 (about $15,700) for the longest follow-up, three months.

“The most common reason people turn to a divorce coach is because they are emotionally and mentally drained,” she says. “Often, they are facing a lot of complex emotions, they are overwhelmed with logistics and they don’t want to bother their friends and family as their only support system.”

Because of the prices charged, the work of divorce coaches is primarily aimed at relatively affluent individuals, particularly considering the enormous financial pressure most people already go through in a divorce.

A report by the insurance company Aviva indicated that the average UK divorce costs amount to £14,500 (about £15,000) in living and legal costs, plus £35,000 (about £35,000). R$206,000) in rent or £144,600 (about R$850,000) on a new home, when the case involves housing.

Additionally, Juarez claims her average client is 30-50 years old and 60% are men, which she credits to the fact that women have more support from friends and family.

And while 80% of her client list are individuals, there is also a significant group of couples who seek her out together.

“Many couples decide to seek out a divorce coach together because they recognize they need a third party,” she says. “Maybe they understand that they’re struggling with communication, that they’re uncomfortable with conflict or difficult conversations, or that one of the parties who doesn’t want a divorce is causing more difficulties, perhaps closing off.”

She indicates that even in amicable separations, couples can use a coach to “manage” the divorce. “Working with a divorce coach can help them focus on the logistics of divorce without it having to be so personal,” she said.

The changes in divorce

The growth of divorce coaching indicates how people are increasingly willing to invest in making the end of a marriage as straightforward as possible.

Millennials (people born between 1981 and 1995) are often described as the “therapy generation” – a group of people more open to seeking professional help and less stigmatizing about mental health care. So it’s no surprise that as millennials marry and sometimes break up afterwards, the divorce coach is becoming more and more normalized.

“As divorce rates increased, it became normalized,” says clinical psychologist Yasmine Saad, founder of Madison Park Psychological Services in New York, United States.

“We’re getting more and more comfortable looking for specialists,” she says. “Divorcing is no longer seen as a character flaw or failure in one’s life and this has normalized the use of experts to seek help. It’s like seeking financial advice before investing your money. In this case, it’s seeking legal, emotional and practice before transitioning to a new way of life.”

Family law attorney Nicole Sodoma, from Sodoma Law, North Carolina (United States), and author of the book Please Don’t Say You’re Sorry (“Please don’t say you’re sorry”) works with many couples going through divorce. She often directs them to divorce coaches to help them through the process.

“The divorce coach can help you identify and then invest time in the issues and tasks that are most important to you in the long run, while also supporting you in dealing with the difficulties you may be facing in the present,” she says. .

Many lawyers, like Sodom, now recommend divorce coaches to their clients, even appointing appropriate experts in some cases, which increases the perception of legitimacy and popularity of the service.

But there are some risks to bringing a third party into the divorce process.

“Divorce coaches are not licensed, and their experience varies greatly,” says Saad. “It is critical to verify your coach’s credentials to ensure you are in good hands.”

She also points out that, depending on their experience, divorce coaches may not be able to identify psychological issues that affect couple dynamics or complex legal issues that could cause problems if not resolved.

‘Divorce did not define me’

Katie believes that hiring a coach changed the trajectory of her life after her divorce.

Two years ago, shortly after her divorce ended, she met a new partner. She feels that the coaching sessions helped her feel empowered, confident and resilient enough to start a new relationship.

For people considering hiring a divorce coach, Katie says it can be expensive, but she believes the investment is worth it.

Katie argues that her sessions allowed her to make the most of her legal assistance, which is even more expensive, by attending meetings with her attorney fully prepared. But she maintains that she is most grateful for the investment in a divorce coach because of the impact on her as an individual.

“You may be hurting and heartbroken, but the moment you are ready for the change you deserve, coaching is the help you need to move forward,” she says. “Divorce hasn’t defined me and I feel the future is bright.”