The curious reason the Dutch don’t usually apologize

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Holland is a small country, but known for many things: bicycles, cheese, coffee shops, windmills and the world’s tallest population.

A more curious detail has to do with something the Dutch rarely do: apologize.

Saaskia Maarse, a speaker on Dutch culture, says there is a cultural motive behind this.

“The Dutch are known for being direct, which means their messages are clear and precise,” she tells BBC Reels. “But in most other countries, the communication style is indirect, which means that in order to understand people, you have to consider their underlying values.”

“The British style, for example, has a lot of courtesy, diplomacy and tact. In the Netherlands, the underlying values ​​are transparency, honesty and openness,” Maarse adds.

The Dutch only apologize when they are truly sorry, says Maarse, but not as a polite conversational device as in so many countries.

“In British communication style, ‘sorry’ is a good word to use to be more diplomatic or polite. Here (in the Netherlands) we say that you should only apologize if you really feel regret.”

Cultural shock

For people from other countries moving to the Netherlands, it takes a little effort to understand the Dutch style.

This is the case of Verena, from Indonesia. She says that in her home country a very different style prevails.

“We Indonesians are anything but straightforward. We tend to go round and round when we talk, while the Dutch are like, ‘If you want to say something, just say it. Get to the point,'” he says.

Thus, some foreigners see the Dutch style as brusque, but understand that it is above all a cultural trait.

BBC Reels took to the streets of Amsterdam to hear opinions about this curious feature.

“Young people on bicycles are very good, they always apologize. But other people, older generations, don’t. They never apologize”, says one of the interviewees.

“If I know I’m at fault, I apologize. I can’t stand injustice,” says another Dutchman.

historical roots

This cultural trait has curious historical and practical origins, according to Maarse: it is part of a kind of “consensus culture.”

“If you look at history, you (we Dutch) have a common enemy: water,” she says, referring to the fact that, historically, the country has always faced floods. And almost a quarter of its territory is below sea level.

That’s why, for centuries, the Dutch were forced to work together in search of solutions to face floods.

“They would sit around tables and have long discussions and deliberations. You had to be honest in your ideas, thoughts and opinions, in order to find a common solution”, argues Maarse.

The expert also says that, in this context, people always saw each other on an equal footing – something that was also rooted in the communication style.

Dutch candor can cause communication dissonance especially with the style of the British.

“If you make a business offer and the British or British person says ‘ah, that sounds interesting, I’ll look into it’, we take it as ‘ah, he’s really interested and will look into it’. But (for non-Dutch people) that can be very well mean ‘I’m not interested because it’s a bad idea’. The challenge for the Dutch is to understand the real meaning of the conversation. We speak English, but we don’t always understand the message”, says Maarse. It adds:

“At the same time, of course, for people in the UK, it’s a challenge not to be shocked by (Dutch) candor. The intention is to be honest and clear, but it’s something that is sometimes perceived as rude or even arrogant.”

real apologies

Het spijtme is a phrase used in Dutch to express regret that goes beyond the word “sorry” in most languages.

“O Het spijtme it involves more (than an apology): it involves a story, a situation,” explains Maarse.

In the words of Lynn, one of the Dutch interviewed by the BBC, the phrase aims to express “something that really comes from the heart. It really means repenting”.

For Lynn, the prevailing idea is that one should not apologize for nothing.

“Only say ‘sorry’ if you really want to apologize. Don’t say it if it’s not what you feel,” she defends.

This text was originally published here

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