Seeking dialogue should be a priority with toxic family members, but moving away is an alternative

When social isolation came to an end, Pedro Henrique Lages, 24, felt he needed to get away from his family. The elementary school teacher noticed that he started to be criticized by maternal uncles and cousins ​​about the weight he gained during isolation.

Even making it clear that he felt uncomfortable with the comments, the relatives kept making jokes, touching his body and saying that Pedro needed to “become beautiful again” – they even suggested surgeries and aesthetic procedures.

But is separation always necessary? For experts consulted by Sheet, the first attempt should always be communication. They consider, however, that distancing may be necessary if the family member is not open to dialogue.

The professor’s case presents characteristics of the so-called toxic relationship. The term became popular to describe disrespectful, invasive behavior that causes suffering and discomfort, according to Manuela Moura, a psychologist at UFBA (Federal University of Bahia) and specialist in couple and family therapy. The professional describes relationships based on violence as toxic.

For Moura, conflicts are necessary for the expectations of individuals to be aligned. When resolved on the basis of dialogue, they make family ties closer, and that members respect and know each other more intimately.

On the other hand, the lack of validation and security promoted by toxic relationships makes individuals feel neglected. Psychologist specializing in cognitive behavioral therapy Bruno Luiz Avelino Cardoso, adjunct professor at UFMG (Federal University of Minas Gerais), says that these relationships are dangerous because they can interfere with other aspects of life.

According to him, the insecurity that these relationships can cause, makes the individual develop low self-esteem and mirrors the fear of abandonment in future relationships.

To break the cycle of violence, experts recommend talking about the discomfort with family members.

For communication to work, relatives need to be willing to resolve conflicts. This can be easier if those involved have already lived, at some point, a harmonious relationship and the clash has arisen after a period of difficulty such as adolescence or a financial squeeze, for example.

When the lack of dialogue has existed for a longer time and the toxic relationship is more rooted, the help of a professional may be necessary. An alternative is family therapy, a process that can take time and individuals learn to identify harmful behaviors and respect each other’s opinions and decisions.

The removal, however, may be necessary, says the psychologist and counselor of the CRP-SP (Regional Council of Psychology of São Paulo), Valéria Braunstein. This happens when the family member is not open to dialogue or when the violence – even if it is not physical – becomes unbearable.

Psychologists recommend that, when distancing is essential, the individual seeks a support network that can provide affection and care.

Braunstein points out, however, that during this period it is important to seek self-knowledge and self-care to avoid reproducing the toxic patterns experienced in other relationships. The professional states that this removal does not have to be absolute and that it should have, when possible, the objective of opening space for future dialogue.

That’s what Peter decided to do. He still visits the family on Mother’s Day, Christmas and Grandma’s birthday.

This isn’t the first time he and his family have grown apart. When he turned 15, Pedro discovered he was gay and suffered reprisals from the same people. They didn’t speak to each other for three years, until the grandmother took the initiative to gather the family and demand that her grandson be respected – today the homophobia between them is no longer a problem.

Despite having the support of his mother, one of his uncles and several friends, the teacher says he hopes that it will be possible to reconnect with other family members in the future.

“I hope to increase this group of people who make me feel welcome”, he says.