How to comfort a person who is sad

You may have already thought about how to comfort a friend, partner, family member, or co-worker when they are sad. Let her vent? Offer a chocolate? Give her space so she can cry in peace? The ideal approach depends on the person and the context, experts say. A small but growing body of research suggests, however, that one of the most effective ways to calm a person down is to engage in conversation.

Because we humans are such a social species, words play a powerful role in shaping our emotions. The brain is attuned to information it receives from others, and people constantly use that information as feedback to modify their own behaviors and reactions, said Razia Sahi, a doctoral student in psychology at the University of California, Los Angeles, who studies how social interactions influence people’s emotions. “Other people care a lot about what we think.”

But the words we use to comfort others are important, as some types of verbal support have been found to be more helpful than others. In a small study published Dec. 8, Sahi and her colleagues found that people perceive validation phrases as especially comforting—for example, “I understand why you’re feeling that way” or “That seems really difficult.”

Other forms of feedback can also help, research suggests: helping a person recognize that things will get better or encouraging them to look at the situation in a different light. And sometimes that kind of reaction can be even more helpful in the long run than the validation phrases. “Different strategies serve different needs,” said Karen Niven, a professor of organizational psychology at Sheffield University School of Management in the UK who studies how people influence the emotions of those around them.

Below is a research-based guide to how to support friends, colleagues and loved ones when they need it.

Validate the person’s emotions

In their new study, which included two experiments, Sahi and her colleagues asked 318 people what kind of feedback from others would make them most comforted after experiencing conflict with someone they know (for example, a fight with a friend or when the person felt betrayed).

The undisputed winner was validation. Participants found affirming comments such as “I can imagine that was difficult” more reassuring than other types of feedback used to try to help the person change their way of looking at the problem, such as “try to see both sides of the situation” or “try to face the glass half full”.

“When people listen to you and say they understand you, you feel that they trust you, that they care about you. You feel a connection with your interlocutor”, explained Sahi. “And feeling a connection with others is extremely important to us.” Because our ancestors were more likely to survive if they were members of a group, the desire to be accepted by others “is a survival instinct that is built into us”, explained the researcher.

Help her strategize (if she wants to)

Validation phrases may make a person feel better in the moment, but they won’t necessarily help them solve their problem or overcome their negative emotions in the long run, Niven said.

If she’s open to it, talking about overcoming a particular setback or repairing a conflict can give a sad and upset friend a feeling of being in control, added Niven. This can help ease your emotions and even potentially resolve the issue altogether.

However, according to Sahi, not all people are receptive to such an approach, because it can seem that others are not validating what they are feeling. So start by listening to how she talks about her own situation. Researchers have found that people hint at what they want through the words they use.

If the person focuses on their emotion by saying something like, “I feel like they don’t care about me,” it’s likely they’re just looking for validation. If, on the other hand, she says she wishes she didn’t feel what she’s feeling or that she wishes she knew how to solve a problem, “she’s inviting you to help her,” Sahi said.

Choose your words carefully

Niven recommends that if you think the other person is open to letting you help them strategize, start by validating what they are feeling. Say that you understand why she is feeling what she is feeling or that you, in her place, would have had the same reaction. Studies have shown that people are more receptive to advice after they feel they have received emotional support than if they have not received any validation.

Then look for a strategy to solve the problem. Participants in Sahi’s study found the so-called “time distancing” approach most helpful. This involves showing the person that although things may be bad now, they will probably get better over time. People prefer this approach to strategies that aim to make them more optimistic (such as talking about a glass half full) or suggestions that they see the problem from someone else’s perspective. It’s not clear why this approach was preferred, but perhaps it was because it wasn’t seen as non-validating or conflicting, said Niven, who did not contribute to the study.

According to Sahi, it can also be helpful to reflect on how the person who is upset has been supportive of you in the past. Her study found that people who tend to give advice on how to solve problems prefer to receive the same advice when they are upset or sad.

But some problems may require more serious intervention. Perhaps a friend is intentionally ignoring that her relationship is abusive and you want to help her realize the gravity of the situation.

In cases where you want to challenge the person’s point of view, start by explaining that your feedback is based on how important that person is to you. The advice comes from social psychologist Jamil Zaki of Stanford University. “Say, ‘I really want you to feel fulfilled. I want to see you empowered. And I think that in this particular situation you’re in, you might be working against that goal,'” he recommended.

What counts is the intention

It can be difficult to know the best way to help someone, but Zaki highlighted that we need to be confident that our efforts will be appreciated, even if we don’t know what we’re doing.

In a small study published in 2022, researchers found that people often underestimate the usefulness of their efforts to help others, possibly because they fear that their advice isn’t perfect. The survey showed that people appreciated receiving support, even if it wasn’t exactly suited to what they needed.

In other words: the most important thing is not that you say the right thing, but that you are there and try to help. “We can make a difference for other people with relatively little effort,” said Zaki. “Sometimes all you have to do is be present.”