Cheating does not indicate dissatisfaction with the relationship, nor is there a right formula for dealing with it.

A few days after they were released, the new songs by singers Shakira and Miley Cyrus became the most listened tracks on Spotify in the world. Instant success is not the only thing they have in common: both talk about dissatisfaction with past relationships by exchanging regrets for indirect ex-partners and praise for themselves.

In the case of Shakira, the buzz on social networks was even more intense due to the turbulent end of her relationship with Spaniard Gerard Piqué, accused of cheating on the singer.

Experts consider, however, that betrayal is not necessarily related to dissatisfaction with the relationship. You have to be even more careful, though, when there is recurrence.

Talking about betrayal is nothing new in the world of music, but when lyrics deal with a real and public episode, as in the case of the singers, fans mobilize more intensely.

For psychologist Daniela Faertes, a member of the American Academy of Cognitive Therapy and a specialist in changing harmful behaviors, this is because there is a fascination with the suffering of celebrities, a fascination that happens through identification.

“But we have to take care that this doesn’t end up trivializing a subject that is extremely painful and suffered”, points out the professional.

Choosing to compose and release songs based on this pain is a way that artists have found to deal with it. Faertes points out, however, that each person has a way of perceiving, meaning and dealing with betrayal. Not always seeking revenge or exposing the case will be the best choice.

Carmita Abdo, a professor at the Faculty of Medicine at USP (University of São Paulo) and coordinator of ProSex (Sexuality Studies Program), says that cheating is a common behavior.

In a study conducted by Abdo in 2016, 70% of men aged 18 to 70 who participated in the study admitted to having cheated at least once in their lives. Among women, there is an upward trend among younger generations. Of the 18 and 25 year olds, 48% said they had already cheated. Among those over 60, they were 21%.

“In the past, there was a naturalization of men’s betrayal by sexism itself”, says Faertes. “This still exists, but the tendency is for these numbers to get closer and closer.”

Although common, betrayal usually brings suffering. The impact depends on how each sees the betrayal. Experts point out that the act has no direct connection with the breakdown of a monogamous relationship, but rather with the breach of an agreement on the relationship, whatever it may be.

The experience can activate a series of negative feelings, such as low self-esteem, loss of confidence and a feeling of worthlessness.

How to deal with a betrayal?

Faertes points out that there is no right way to act in the face of betrayal. “The most important thing is to understand that there are no obligations,” he says.

It’s a time to understand your own feelings and review your own values. The psychologist says that each situation is unique and it is important to be careful with other people’s opinions and social pressures.

When the person cannot understand what they are feeling or is undecided about how to act, seeking individual or couple therapy is an option.

In addition, it is also important to understand that, often, betrayal is not related to some dissatisfaction with the couple’s life, nor does it say anything about who was betrayed. Betrayed tend to blame themselves for the event, but this is not a productive behavior, points out the professional.

For Faertes, this is an interesting aspect of the songs that broke out this month. “There is empowerment, not because of the exposure, but because of the fact that these women do not accept the naturalization of betrayal.”

On the other hand, Abdo points out that demonizing the traitor is not the best way either. Realizing that betrayal is frequent helps you understand that it doesn’t just happen to you, and that the person who betrays is not necessarily a bad person.

The teacher points out that it is necessary to understand what led to this event and what postures need to be modified on both sides.

Even if the couple decides to end the relationship, it is interesting to review their own behavior and think if something can be done differently in the future.

However, Faertes warns about frequent infidelity. “Research shows that it’s possible to get over cheating and be in a relationship where there’s only been one episode. But when it’s constant, it’s a sign that things aren’t going to change.”