How to build resilience in tough times

Many people I know are waiting, patiently or not, for life to get back to normal. We look forward to the day when we can live again without fear of a deadly virus that lurks like a hunter, preventing social and cultural events, travel, studies and life’s defining moments that, once lost, cannot be recovered.

And many people remain paralyzed by despair over the death of loved ones, as well as the loss of jobs, businesses, homes, incomes and even sleep. Many wonder how we should deal with so many obstacles that block our path?

One way is to turn to an age-old characteristic that allows us to face adversity: resilience. Resilience is the ability to withstand the blows, “because if you’re fragile you’ll break,” said Pauline Boss, professor emeritus at the University of Minnesota and author of the recently published book “The Myth of Closure.” [O mito da conclusão].

Dr. Boss, a family therapist, educator, and researcher, is best known for her pioneering work on “ambiguous loss,” which is also the title of her 1999 book that describes unresolved and often unresolved physical or emotional losses.

“When the pandemic subsides, things won’t go back to ‘normal,'” said Boss, who at age 87 has been through several upheavals, starting with World War II. With everything that has happened during the pandemic, she wrote, “we cannot hope to get back to the ‘normal’ we had.”

In an interview, she told me, “Normal implies status quo, but things are always changing, and if you don’t change you don’t grow. We will never be the same. The pandemic is epic, a power greater than us, and we have to be flexible, resilient enough to bend to survive. And we will survive, but our lives will be changed forever.”

Resilience allows us to adapt to stress and maintain balance in the face of adversity. “When resilient people are faced with a crisis that takes away their ability to control their lives, they find something they can control,” Boss said.

“At the beginning of the pandemic, many people took to baking bread, cooking at home and cleaning drawers as something they could control. These were functional coping mechanisms.”

However, he added, if people can’t adapt to a problem they can’t solve, “they often turn to absolute solutions that are dysfunctional and make statements like ‘The pandemic is a hoax’ and ‘There is no such thing as a virus. ‘”.

While resilience is often seen as an inherent personality trait that people either have or don’t have, studies have shown that it is a trait that can be acquired. People can adopt behaviors, thoughts and actions that help build resilience, at any age.

Dr Boss assured parents that their children will be fine despite the pandemic-related school and social disruptions. “Children are naturally resilient and will be stronger for having survived this bad thing that happened to them. They will bounce back and grow from it.”

More than children, “we need to focus on adults,” she said. “This generation of parents has faced no world war, no global threat” on that scale. Many parents are struggling, although she worries that some may be overly protective of their children, which can erode their natural ability to solve problems and deal with adversity.

Dr. Boss’s feelings brought to mind the concerns my husband and I had in 1980, when our 10-year-old twins were being enrolled in a public high school, where rampant misbehavior and physical threats were common.

The boys turned down our proposal to send them to a private school for those three tumultuous years, saying, “What would we learn about life at a private school?”

ADVANCE

In her new book, Boss offers guidelines for increasing a person’s resilience so they can overcome adversity and live well despite painful losses. She quotes Dr. Viktor E. Frankl, Austrian neurologist, psychiatrist and author, Holocaust survivor, who wrote, “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” She recommends that people use each guideline as needed, in no particular order, depending on their circumstances.

FIND THE MEANING. The most challenging guideline for many people is to find meaning, make sense of a loss, and when that’s not possible, take some kind of action. Perhaps seeking justice, working for a cause, or speaking out to try to right a wrong. When Dr. Boss’s younger brother died of polio, her heartbroken family went door-to-door on the March of Cents, raising money to fund vaccine research.

ADJUST YOUR SENSE OF MASTERY. Instead of trying to control the pain of loss, let the sadness flow, carry on as best you can and eventually the ups and downs will come less and less. “We do not have the power to destroy the virus, but we do have the power to lessen its impact on us,” she wrote.

REBUILD IDENTITY. It is also helpful to adopt a new identity in sync with your current circumstances. When Dr. Boss’ husband became terminally ill, for example, her identity changed over time from wife to caregiver, and after her death in 2020, she gradually tried to think of herself as a widow.

NORMALIZE AMBIVALENCE. When you’re unclear about a loss, it’s normal to feel ambivalent about how to act. But Boss says it’s best not to wait for clarity; hesitation can lead to inaction and puts life on hold. It’s better to make less-than-perfect decisions than to do nothing.

REVIEW THE LINKS. Boss emphasizes that rather than trying to break your attachment to a lost loved one, the goal should be to keep them present in your heart and mind and gradually rebuild your life in a new way, with a new sense of purpose, new friends or a new project. Accept the reality of the loss and slowly review your connection to the person who died. But “there’s no need to seek completion, even if other relationships arise,” she says.

DISCOVER NEW HOPE. Start hoping for something new that will allow you to move on with your life in a new way. Stop waiting, take action, and seek out new connections that can minimize isolation and foster support that, in turn, nurtures your resilience.

Perhaps Dr. Boss’s most valuable advice when one is faced with pandemic loss: “What we need to look forward to is not getting back to what we had, but to see what we can create now and in the future.” She suggests brainstorming with others and being willing to try new things. “Wait for something new and purposeful that will sustain you and give you joy for the rest of your life.”

_{Translated by Luiz Roberto M. Gonçalves}