Mental and emotional health it only recently began to concern the wider public, fighting important “battles” with prejudices, so that it is recognized as an integral part of human health. And then, in order to be understood, she began to present herself in blatant ways: Violence and obvious acts of aggression. These behaviors are indeed “red flags” of inappropriate and unacceptable behavior. Unfortunately, however, they are not alone and the warning signs of emotional abuse are not always so obvious. In fact, it’s quite possible that there are fine lines being violated, so subtle that you can’t even notice them.

There is no quick definition of what constitutes emotional abuse. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, it includes any non-physical behaviors that aim to control, isolate, or intimidate a person and may include threats, humiliation, and undermining of one’s sense of self-worth. According to the experts, who spoke to SELF about the issue, emotional abuse is a complex and serious form of violence that deserves more attention.

“What these actions have in common is that they can erode a person’s sense of worth, and that’s something that can happen silently, slowly, without you even realizing it,” said Mindy Mechanic, a clinical psychologist and professor in California State University. Sometimes, you may just find yourself dealing with excessive jealousy or controlling tendencies, for example. Other times, emotional abuse can be hidden behind seemingly sweet phrases like, “Your friends are hurting you, I’m just trying to protect you.”

So it can be incredibly difficult to know when someone is becoming emotionally abusive, especially if you tend to think that certain behaviors are “normal.” Two psychologists break down some of the most common, yet subtle warning signs to look out for:

  • They try to control what you do, what you say, what you wear

One of the signs of abusive behavior is control, which is not based on physical violence, but on psychological tactics of manipulation and intimidation. The most obvious tactics include a man checking your finances or constantly making comments about your “too revealing” clothes. It could also take the form of the silent treatment if you don’t do what he wants or insists that he needs to know every little detail in your life.

“By trying to control what you say or how you act, they leave you feeling powerless and dependent on them,” says TC Logan, a professor of behavioral science at the University of Kentucky whose research focuses on intimate partner violence.

Another insidious control tactic is to disguise unreasonable demands as normal limits, adds Dr. Mechanic, which studies the psychosocial consequences of violence and trauma. Some rules and boundaries can, of course, be rooted in protecting a person, but there’s a big difference between “Do you mind texting me whenever you get home so I know you’re safe?” and “I need you to call me every 15 minutes to let me know you’re okay.” Healthy boundaries are empowering and clear to the person setting them, while unhealthy boundaries are meant to limit independence and justify harmful behavior, the expert points out.

  • They don’t respect your boundaries

Each person has their own boundaries, whether that means needing individual time or not sharing their passwords. The people around you should respect these personal boundaries. For example, no one can read your messages without your permission or touch you in ways that make you feel uncomfortable. You should also be wary of someone who pressures you to do things you don’t want or who shows up uninvited in various situations.

  • They make you regret spending time without them

Emotionally abusive people don’t just violate your boundaries, they make you regret setting them in the first place, emphasizes Dr. Mechanic. It’s one thing if someone is upset that you didn’t get to spend more time together, it’s another thing if they make you feel guilty every time you do something they don’t like.

“The overall goal of guilt is to make the other person believe that they are responsible for your distress, even when they are not,” says Dr. Mechanic. Victims of this type of manipulation may mistakenly assume that they must do whatever it takes to alleviate the abuser’s anger, frustration, or sadness. It’s another sneaky way to get you to do exactly what they want, he says.

  • They use your personal information against you

A person with whom you share a close bond has probably seen you at your most vulnerable. Anyone who truly loves you should protect the sensitive information you share with them even when things are not good between you. An abusive person is likely to strategically use the things you’ve revealed to them in confidence and turn them against you, warns Dr. Logan.

  • They degrade you with derogatory “jokes”

No, we’re not talking about someone teasing you because you fell down the stairs. It’s a more insidious pattern of demeaning insults and sarcasm that you don’t find so funny, even though the other person insists they’re “just kidding.” The fact that he dismisses these harsh comments as “joking” doesn’t make them any less harmful or serious.

  • They react angrily or blame you every time you complain about something

The way someone reacts when you tell them something has been bothering you can be a good indicator of abusive behavior, says Dr. Logan. The next time you complain about something, notice if the person across from you examines your side or automatically reacts with anger and denial. Also, think about what happens in general when you don’t do what the other person wants, suggests Dr. Logan. If you’re afraid that it’s going to flare up or you’re worried that your personal information might be leaked, then there’s a problem. “If you fear retaliation or ‘punishment,’ then your body is telling you that you don’t feel safe,” says Dr. Logan.

  • They threaten you or give you ultimatums

Threats can be direct or very subtle, like a certain look every time you do something the other person doesn’t like. Even if the threat isn’t carried out, “bullying aims to instill fear in the victim, who will then change their behavior just to avoid provoking an unwanted reaction,” he explains. In other words, it’s about maintaining power over yourself.

If you recognize any of the above warning signs of emotional abuse, or have seen some of these dynamics play out in a loved one’s relationship, it is important to seek help. The people around you should make you feel safe, free and valued.