ADHD can make relationships difficult; see how couples deal with difficulties

When Chris Lawson started dating Alexandra Salamis, who would eventually become his wife, he was “that super-attentive guy,” he said — the kind of man who likes to buy cards and flowers for no reason other than to show how much he appreciate your loved one.

But after they started living together in 2015, things changed.

Chris started to get more distracted and forgetful. Whether it was household chores, planning social events, or anything else that had a deadline to do—like renewing his driver’s license—Alexandra, 60, was constantly having to pressure him to do what needed to be done. Most of the time she just ended up taking care of things herself.

“I wasn’t responsible for anything,” admitted Chris, 55.

Alexandra, who doesn’t mince words, said that period of their relationship was “like living with a child” and later added: “Frankly, I hated him.”

But when she spoke of the frustration she felt, Chris got defensive. She continued to criticize him and began to feel more like his mother than his mate, something neither of them liked.

Then, in 2019, at the suggestion of a friend, the two read an article talking about how attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, or ADHD, can affect romantic relationships.

“We looked at each other and our jaws dropped,” Alexandra said.

The couple, who live in Ottawa, Canada, had discovered something that millions of others have realized, often after years of falling out: one of them (in their case, Chris Lawson) likely has ADHD, a neurodevelopmental disorder that is often characterized by inattention, disorganization, hyperactivity and impulsivity.

When one person in a couple or both people have ADHD, the relationship often faces unique challenges, which experts say are often exacerbated when the disorder goes undiagnosed.

Studies suggest that people with ADHD have higher levels of interpersonal problems than their peers and that marriages that include adults with ADHD are likely to be less than satisfying.

Forums like the one on the ADHD and Marriage website often feature reports of stressed and emotionally drained people trapped in unhealthy patterns of behavior that have dragged on for years. But if the couple makes a real effort to learn more about the disorder, manage their symptoms, and look for more effective ways to communicate, the two people can revitalize their relationship.

UNDERSTAND THE SYMPTOMS

People with ADHD may not have a lot of self-awareness, so they may have a hard time noticing the impression they are giving other people or how their behavior contributes to the problems they are experiencing in their relationships. This is said by psychologist Russell A. Barkley, author of “Taking Charge of Adult ADHD”.

Overly impulsive people may take unnecessary risks or opt for immediate rewards, such as the pleasure of playing a video game, rather than focusing on the mundane tasks that need to be done. And people with ADHD often forget what they’re supposed to be doing and tend to have emotional overreactions that go beyond what the situation could justify. This can lead to explosive disagreements.

Contrary to the common idea that people with ADHD are always scattered, many of them are able to focus heavily on things that pique their interest.

But if they are especially considerate to a loved one during the honeymoon phase of the relationship, and that intense interest later wanes, it can create a dynamic where the partner who doesn’t have ADHD doesn’t feel loved.

“If your partner is constantly distracted, that means he doesn’t pay attention to you either,” explained Melissa Orlov, a marriage consultant who runs seminars for couples who are struggling in their relationship in part because of ADHD.

“The partner is confused and then angry, because he feels the other person isn’t really paying attention to him. He says something like, ‘You mean you don’t love me anymore? It wasn’t like that before.'”

This can be incredibly frustrating for the partner who doesn’t have ADHD, but understanding these symptoms is a step toward embracing feelings of compassion and empathy, rather than ongoing resentment.

“The people we love who have ADHD can’t help the behaviors they exhibit,” Barkley said. It’s a biological disorder, he explained, “not a choice of way of life. It’s not something you could just change your mind about if you wanted to.”

FIND OVERCOMING STRATEGIES

General practitioner Alicia Hart, 34, met her husband when she was 18. They declared their love for each other after three days, and “from that moment on, we were in a serious, committed relationship,” she said. “People thought we were crazy. After all, we met at a college party.”

Hart and her husband live in Portland, Oregon, with their three children. Both have ADHD.

The doctor said in an email that most of the conflicts between them are due to scheduling and appointment issues.

“He threatens to record our conversations to prove they happened, or I start another overly ambitious project without really thinking about the implications or the impact it will have on him. Another thing is I hate delays and I’ve developed a million strategies to avoid them, being that he literally has no concept of time and can’t be on time for anything in the world.”

But by making good use of their individual strengths, they have been able to keep the house running. He pays the bills and manages the family’s finances. She takes care of the daily grind, setting alarms on the smart speaker to help you remember things like lunchtime. They use a joint online calendar as well as a wall calendar.

Robyn Aaron is 36 years old, a mother of two, and last year she was diagnosed with ADHD. She said that today she and her husband have a weekly meeting to organize themselves, but they try to make the meeting as fun as possible.

“We do it like it’s a romantic date — we have wine, light a candle,” said Robyn, who lives in Lisbon, Iowa. “He reports on our finances, and I go over our schedule with him.”

The two also discuss renovation projects they are doing at the house, trips ahead, and any needs or wants.

“Since the pandemic started, it’s become even more important for us to communicate in this way. It also helps a lot with my strategies for dealing with ADHD,” she said.

SHOW YOUR PARTNER THAT YOU ARE MAKING AN EFFORT

In the book “ADHD After Dark: Better Sex Life, Better Relationship”, author, psychologist and sex therapist Ari Tuckman interviewed more than 3,000 adults in couples in which one partner has ADHD.

It found that people who felt their partner tried harder to control their own ADHD or to support their partner who had ADHD had sex almost twice as often as those who said their partner tried less.

For some partners with ADHD, it can be difficult to accept the need to change. Sometimes it’s also hard to believe that new strategies can make a difference. This is especially the case when drugs or strategies tried in the past have not worked.

But, added the psychologist, it is worth continuing to seek information about the various options available to people with ADHD, or perhaps seek help from a professional other than the one who has been assisting you.

Another piece of advice from Tuckman is that both partners choose their battles.

“ADHD doesn’t create new problems—it just exacerbates universal problems,” he pointed out. “It’s the same things other couples argue about—only you argue more.”

You have every right to insist that your partner takes the children to school on time, for example, and ideally you will find a way to make that happen. But, Tuckman advised, “it’s limiting the number of things you take a stand on and become adamant.”

^{Translation by Clara Allain}