The taboo of relationships between people with large age differences

Society is increasingly progressive and many people today accept that love can come in many forms. Why then do people still condemn couples with a lot of age difference?

There is a viral graphic from 2019 that keeps popping up on social media. It details the dating history of actor Leonardo DiCaprio.

A Reddit user spotted a trend in DiCaprio’s dating: At the time, he was 44 years old, but apparently he’s only dated women aged 25 and under, always breaking up with partners before they turn 26.

Reactions to the chart were controversial. Some congratulated DiCaprio on his ability to attract younger women, while others criticized the actor, urging him to find someone closer to his own age.

Even three years later, the chart resurfaces every now and then, as people closely follow DiCaprio’s current relationship with Argentine actress and model Camila Morrone – now 24 years old.

Reactions to the actor’s dating habits embody the same controversial opinions surrounding relationships between people with wide age gaps. To some they are a source of admiration; for others, there is something inherently unsettling about people who have relationships with much younger partners.

From Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher to George and Amal Clooney, relationships between famous people with huge age differences have always caused a lot of comment. In 2014, the average age gap for heterosexual relationships in the United States was relatively small — 2.3 years — but the age gap for many couples is much larger.

In Western countries, about 8% of heterosexual couples have an age gap of 10 years or more. This percentage increases to 25% in homosexual unions between men and to 15% among women. And in some cases, the gap is even wider—data indicate that about 1% of heterosexual couples in the United States have an age gap of 28 years or more.

Our views about relationships between people with wide age gaps are shaped by social and cultural norms.

In the last hundred years, economic changes and greater gender equality have altered the age gap considered “normal” and recent social justice movements have increased criticism of the power dynamics in age-gap relationships. These types of couples often face judgment — and while some experts believe that could soon change, others argue that the level of disapproval of young people today for age-gap love is perhaps higher than that of previous generations.

consequence of evolution

People who disapprove of Leonardo DiCaprio’s dating habits have his background. Aversion to relationships between people of great age difference is very common and, like most taboos, originated in thousands of years of evolution and more recent sociocultural indications.

“In many cultures, it is not considered acceptable to fall in love with someone who is much younger or older than you are,” says Elena Touroni, a psychology consultant and one of the founders of the Chelsea Psychological Clinic in London.

“From an evolutionary point of view, the desire to form a family can influence the choice of the person with whom we want to have a relationship, both from a biological point of view, but also so that both parents are alive to raise their children,” she said.

For both men and women, fertility tends to drop after about age 35. And while women lose their ability to conceive children much more quickly, it makes sense that we’ve evolved to be attracted to people of similar ages.

While there is relatively little data on ages in LGBTQIA+ relationships, we know that age differences between same-sex couples are much more common, perhaps reflecting the influence of biological conception ability on how we look for a partner.

But it’s not all about parenting. Research indicates that pairing up with someone of a similar age increases the likelihood that your relationship will last longer. Experts believe this is because these couples tend to go through life stages and challenges in close seasons and therefore may continue to find things in common.

“In the first 10 years of marriage, people report higher levels of marital satisfaction when their partner is younger,” says Grace Lordan, a professor of behavioral science at the London School of Economics, currently researching age-gap relationships and the happiness.

“But over time, the marital satisfaction of couples with a large age gap declines more than partners of similar ages,” she said. “The likelihood of divorce between couples of similar ages is also lower.”

But despite these factors that influence us to choose age-matched partners, socio-economic circumstances can sometimes thwart evolutionary impetus. In 1900, the average age difference between couples was almost double the difference in 2000. Historically, people (particularly middle-class and upper-class people) would have been much more likely to marry someone much younger or older. older than them.

The reasons for this phenomenon are biological and economic. If a 50-year-old man wants to have children, he will have no interest in marrying a woman of a similar age, who is far less likely to be fertile. In a patriarchal society where men hold economic power, the option of marrying a much younger woman would likely be more accessible to him.

In the 19th and early 20th centuries, most women were excluded from the workforce, so it made sense for them to prioritize marriage to someone who had already achieved financial security. As for men, it made sense to establish themselves economically first, and then worry about marriage – after all, due to their greater social power, they could find younger wives who offered a greater possibility of having children.

Who do we condemn and why

As women gained greater economic power, the appeal of a much older husband waned, making age-gap relationships less common – and often a greater taboo. And today, couples in which one person is much older than the other still face judgment, even as most societies embrace increasingly progressive ideas about love, relationships, and the wealth of varieties in which they can be found. to introduce.

Rather than admitting that people are happy together, there is a tendency to be concerned about possible power imbalances and to regard the relationship as a transaction, assuming that one party is seeking to elevate their social status or increase their wealth.

In English, there are even specific expressions to define this judgment: “sugar daddy” (something like “sweet daddy”) defines the older man, while the younger woman can be “gold-digger” (“treasure hunter”) or victim of “daddy issues”.

In recent years, the English language has expanded this type of vocabulary to include relationships where women are the significantly older partner. Words like “cougars” and “toyboys” reflect the rise of this type of relationship.

Statistics show that in 1963 only 15% of British brides were older than their grooms. But by 1998, that number had risen to 26%, and a 2011 study found that the number of women married or living with a man five years younger or older had nearly tripled since the 1970s.

Women who decide to date younger men seem to face disproportionate judgment. “We humans judge everything, and if our neighbor does something outside of what we expect, we put a spotlight on him,” says Lordan. “Women who marry younger men go against what is expected of our marriage narrative. As a result, they suffer the most judgments.”

The media attention surrounding French President Emmanuel Macron’s marriage to his wife Brigitte – 24 years his senior – and the heated coverage of the relationship between model and actress Kim Kardashian (41 years old) and actor and comedian Pete Davidson (28 years old) only confirm this. But Touroni believes that relationships between older men and younger women receive even greater condemnation than couples in which the women are older than the men.

Perhaps this is related, in part, to the #MeToo movement, which has drawn attention to power dynamics in relationships. Some people argue that a significant age difference, combined with the socioeconomic power wielded by men in male-dominated society, can leave young women in a vulnerable position.

A study carried out shortly after the #MeToo movement shows that many observers believe there is an exploration aspect to age-gap relationships. Researchers found that young people particularly reject relationships in which the man is older, presumably because they believe it is an exchange relationship – for example, with people exchanging sex for a given lifestyle.

Will the age gap taboo disappear?

There is an increasing acceptance these days that all relationships are different – ​​whether in terms of sexuality, gender or even the number of people in the same relationship.

Elena Touroni hopes that the more types of relationships that are considered normal, the more people will respect people’s choices in age-gap relationships. “We live in an era of greater freedom and flexibility, and I’d like to think that as time goes on, we’re going to make a lot less judgment about other people’s relationship choices, whether it’s age difference or anything else.” question”.

But there is little evidence that society’s fascination with the age gap in relationships is waning. Temporary celebrity love affairs still frequently make headlines and young people seem to increasingly condemn age-gap relationships compared to previous generations — particularly when the man is older than the woman. As young people are often at the forefront of social change, this disapproval could mean that the age gap taboo could take even deeper root.

“Overall, I really hold out hope that we’re being less judgmental of others, whatever their choices. But the narratives of what a ‘good’ relationship is are so entrenched in Western society that it’s unlikely we could ever get to a where people stop judging others’ lifestyle choices that contravene these norms, including age-gap couples,” concludes Grace Lordan.