What do ‘solo polyamory’ supporters say?

After 35-year-old Chris came out as bisexual three years ago, he decided he “didn’t necessarily want to live a heteronormative life”.

“I’ve wanted to be able to date men and women simultaneously all my life,” says Chris (his last name is withheld for privacy). “I felt like monogamy would deny me part of myself.”

During the pandemic, Chris moved to a sexually positive community in Brooklyn, New York, in the United States – a “safe space” where he could further explore his relationship with sex and sexuality.

Through this community, he discovered a course called Open Smarter, which guided his students to explore different types of ethically non-monogamous relationships. It was there that he first heard the term “solo polyamory” and quickly realized how it fit in with his dating lifestyle.

Basically, solo polyamory designates people who are open to dating or engaging in a variety of meaningful relationships, without having a “main partner” – a person they are committed to above all other partners. Instead, the solo polyamory may see himself as his primary partner, avoiding typical relationship goals such as gathering finances or living together with a partner, getting married and having children.

Solo polyamory represents a small portion of polyamory supporters in general. Many of them tend to have or want to have a main partner, according to Liz Powell, a Philadelphia-based sex therapist and educator. So it is naturally difficult to calculate what percentage of the general population adopts relationships in this way.

But studies show that younger generations are more likely to adopt some form of non-monogamous relationship than older generations.

According to a YouGov study of 1,300 American adults conducted in 2020, 43% of millennials said their ideal relationship would be non-monogamous, although only 30% of Gen Xers say the same. And overall, a 2016 survey that synthesizes two different US studies found that 20% of participants had at some point in consensually non-monogamous relationships.

But these studies don’t break down the numbers for specific types of non-monogamous relationships, so it’s impossible to say how many of the people surveyed identify with solo polyamory.

As single polyamory adherents are a minority identity, misconceptions about their lifestyles are multiplying – from those who compare single polyamory with having multiple monogamous relationships to finding “the one”, to people who consider it an attitude. selfish or greedy, like wanting to “have the best of both worlds”.

The fact is that there is a tendency to ignore the looser definition of the term, which ends up being reduced to an escape from the heteronormative “relationship escalator” by people who opt for an alternative way of engaging in romantic and sexual relationships.

The ‘relationship escalator’

Solo polyamory gained popularity with the blog Solopolynet, written by American journalist Amy Gahran under the pseudonym Aggie Sez.

She published her first post, titled “Riding the relationship escalator (or not),” in 2012. About five years later, she wrote a book about the theme, “Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator: Uncommon Love and Life.”

Gahran defines the “escalator” as “the standard set of social mores for proper conduct in intimate relationships” – in other words, relationships that reach, or are intended to reach, the traditionally defining moments of life, such as living together with a partner, gather finances, get engaged, get married and have children.

“We have these defining moments or normalized signs that the relationship is serious,” according to Rachel Krantz of California, USA, author of “Open: An Uncensored Memoir of Love,” “Liberation and Non-Monogamy – A Polyamory Memoir” (Open: Uncensored Memoirs of Love, Liberation and Non-monogamy – Memories of Polyamory). “Solo polyamory adherents tend to avoid connecting their lives with other people in this way.”

While the definition may seem narrow, there are many ways to adopt solo polyamory. These people tend to be allosexual, according to Elisabeth Sheff of Colorado, USA, author of books including The Polyamorists Next Door, which means they tend to experience cravings. sexual – but others are asexual and have a variety of non-sexual relationships.

They also tend to “value their independence,” according to Sheff, but some have very important non-love relationships in their lives that they put first. “The single parent who prioritizes their children over all other relationships may be a solo polyamory,” according to Sheff, as well as someone who is a caregiver for a person with a disability.

Solo polyamory doesn’t have to last forever either. Someone could identify with solo polyamory today, but still end up entering a more traditional relationship, sharing their home or finances in the future — and it doesn’t have to be a fixed identity to be valid, according to Zhana Vrangalova, a sex consultant and researcher in New York. York, in the United States.

In fact, Chris is interested in finding a main partner someday, but claims that in the meantime, solo polyamory “allows me to date, have experiences with people, meet a lot of different people, and meet some of my needs.” He adds that it’s similar to when he was monogamously dating, “except I now have a label to communicate to people what my intentions are.”

Vrangalova is originally from North Macedonia and teaches the Open Smarter course, which Chris attended in New York. She estimates that about two-thirds of her class are people in relationships, of which just over half are monogamous. But these people are “trying to figure out if some kind of non-monogamous relationship would be right for them.”

The remaining students are already exploring different forms of non-monogamous relationships and are looking for more knowledge to help them in the process, or are singles looking for relationships.

Solo polyamory is not for everyone. Vrangalova does personality tests with her students to help them define one or more relationship states that might work best for them.

These tests include questions such as “how much adventure and novelty” participants need or how much security they require in their relationships. Solo polyamory adherents, according to Vrangalova, “do not normally need a lot of security in the relationship.”

But just because someone who identifies with solo polyamory might not need the same degree of security as someone in a long-term monogamous partnership, that doesn’t mean they can’t or won’t form deep, lasting bonds with their partners.

To encourage these trusting relationships, sex educator Powell, who identifies with solo polyamory, says they are very open with their potential partners about their wants and needs.

“I won’t stop asking [o que eu quero em um relacionamento] just because I’m worried you’ll say no,” they say. “If people say no, they say no, and we decide where we go from there.”

The antidote to ‘couples privilege’?

Much of the stigma surrounding solo polyamory comes from a general lack of understanding of why some people don’t want the so-called “serious” traditional relationship. Stereotypes of solo polyamory adherents include “selfishness, flight, or confusion in various forms,” ​​according to Vrangalova.

Additionally, solo polyamory is marked by a lack of adoption of relationship milestones such as marriage and children – which are also considered milestones of adulthood.

“The people we consider ‘adults’ are married, have children, live together and share finances,” says Powell. “On the other hand, ‘unstable adults’ like me, who live alone and have not married, are examples of everything that is wrong with society.”

Of course, adults can live alone very successfully and be self-sufficient. For those who identify with “solo polyamory,” that also doesn’t mean they “don’t care about people,” according to Sheff. “They just don’t want to organize their life centrally around a love partner.”

These prejudices go hand in hand with another social force known as “couple privilege.” The meaning of this expression is broad and includes both the advantages that couples have in society in relation to singles (such as the financial benefits of marriage and stable union) and the attitude that, in a polyamorous relationship, for example, the success of the primary couple must be prioritized and all other partner actions must be taken considering the preservation of that primary relationship.

These stigmas and social expectations can represent blocks for people to identify with solo polyamory. When Powell was in a polyamorous relationship in Savannah, Georgia (United States) around 2014, they tried to find a non-monogamy therapist, to no avail. This led them to fill the gap and Powell opened his own private practice aimed at people who identify as non-monogamous, queer, kinky and/or trans.

Even in psychology circles, there is still a lack of knowledge about polyamory, let alone about polyamory alone. Sheff is part of Division 44, a subgroup of the American Psychological Association that develops educational materials about polyamory for counselors and therapists.

More than just dating around

Ultimately, solo polyamory is much more than a way of dating multiple partners living alone. It is a rejection of heteronormative relationship patterns.

“For me, a lot of solo polyamory involves figuring out ways to focus on my own autonomy, the autonomy of others, and honestly questioning what I want in a relationship, rather than assuming that every relationship follows the escalator formula.” , according to Powell.

Likewise, Chris was drawn to the solo polyamory label for allowing him to think about relationships and approach them differently. He says that the forms of relationship that accompanied his development made no sense to him. Before gay marriage was legalized in the United States, he had sexual relationships with people he knew could never marry.

Today, Chris claims he wouldn’t entirely eliminate the prospect of marriage, but he’s not exactly an admirer of that institution. “As a queer, bisexual person, I don’t like the heteronormative structure of marriage,” he says. “I want to rebel against it.”

read the full text of this report (in English) on the BBC Worklife website.