Opinion – Terra Vegana: What (not) to say on a vegan date

Last Friday I discovered a new vocation through a high school friend, who sent me a half hysterical, half desperate WhatsApp, asking for advice on “vegan hookups”.

Let me explain: Renan (fictitious name so as not to lose the friendship of twenty years) matched on Tinder with Ana (also fictitious name, in the illusion that this column will go unnoticed by the two).

Ana was “the” popular girl at school: always impeccable hair and makeup, a cereal bar with light tea at break, class speaker in the eighth and third grades, volunteer at AACD, heiress of a three-story house on the Riviera, to which Renan and I were never invited to spend the carnival.

Renan was in my class. We were both half-nerds, half-rebellious, and as much as the punk-grade ten had spent his entire high school year in love with Ana, deep down he knew he didn’t stand a chance. He was just another one in line, and his password was never called.

Here, seventeen years later, between screen swipes on the cell phone… one threw a little heart to the other and the meeting was set.

“I need tips. How to win over a vegan woman on the first date? What do you think I can say that will go well?”. Wow, hard mission to do in one night what you haven’t been able to do in years, my friend. But, as Chorão would say (of whom we were fans), “the impossible is just a matter of opinion”. So let’s go.

First, don’t ask her what she eats. It’s very boring to sit in a bar and get along in a nutritionist’s office. Not to mention that we feel like an extraterrestrial at these times, it makes us want to personally go to Mars to check whether or not there is life there, it is so embarrassing.

We eat rice, beans, vegetables, fruits, nuts, lentils and pasta. We ate everything, no frills – we just don’t eat animals.

Don’t tell her that you love your dog, that you had a tortoise as a child, and that you were depressed for three months when your cat died (especially if you’re grabbing a piece of chicken from a bird or dipping a jerky dumpling in pepper). while expressing his love for animals).

Don’t make excuses to justify the fact that you eat chicken, beef, pork, fish, eggs, cheese, honey and that you drink cow’s milk. Believe me, she probably liked the taste of it all too. We don’t expect any justification because one day we were there too and we know what it’s like to be born and grow up in a family and society that naturalizes the slaughter and consumption of animals by human beings.

Under no circumstances argue that this consumption is necessary due to your blood group. Nothing can unnerve a vegan more than the distortion of (often “pseudo”) scientific theories, whose only effect is to assuage the guilt of those who eat.

I know you’ve become a crossfitter, so I urge you not to get involved with the hundreds of animal proteins that you need to consume to feed your muscles.

She’ll tell you to watch “Gladiators’ Diet” (available on Netflix) before sending you to that place, and she’ll even throw in your face that Kelly Slater, one of the greatest champions in surfing history, is vegan and conquered just now the Pipeline World Championship at the age of 50.

Order potatoes and fried cassava, or make an appointment at a bar that has more interesting vegan options.

Ask her why she decided to go vegan, and listen with curiosity instead of enumerating all the reasons why you can’t be vegan. Maybe you just don’t want to be, and that’s okay.

That doesn’t stop you, however, from starting to make some 100% plant-based meals a week, or from switching from the whey protein shake to the pea protein shake (there are some with great flavors, by the way).

Realize that, more than the things to say, you need to think about the things to do, and that’s right now. That way, at the time of the date, you can act naturally and empathize with her choice to be vegan.

Reducing a person to veganism, Renan, would be the most annoying thing possible – we are multiple and being vegan is just a small piece of our identity.