Four questions to ask yourself before dating someone from work

In the digital age, dating apps and online dating are the status quo for romance. Gone are the days when you practically knew “the right person” in a bar.

But how about flirting in line at the water cooler at work or on Zoom? The consensual relationship in the office has been a romantic allegory and taboo for decades.

There are many reasons why someone might start a relationship in the workplace.

Research shows that people gravitate towards like-minded individuals with common personality traits, backgrounds, belief systems and ideas.

Proximity and familiarity also influence attraction, something psychologists call the “mere exposure effect.”

For better or worse, offices are places where like-minded people hang out together for hours on end, so it’s no surprise that many people are open to love at work.

A 2020 YouGov poll showed that 18% of Brits met their current or most recent partner through work.

If you’re considering starting a relationship with your neighbor at the table, or even your boss, here are four things to consider.

1. Is it a hierarchical relationship?

Despite being prevalent, office romances are still frowned upon — even more so after the #MeToo movement.

Deciding to start a hierarchical relationship in the workplace (when one party holds a higher position than the other) is something that should be taken seriously.

Low status people dating their boss or a senior team member are sometimes faced with gossip and career obstacles because of the relationship.

While some might think that such a relationship can help them move up the career ladder, the truth is that their relationship status can get in the way of their progress.

Research has shown that a person who has a lower status in a hierarchical workplace relationship is less likely to be promoted or recommended for training opportunities than their peers who are not in that type of relationship.

2. How might it affect your job performance?

With love and sex on their minds, is anyone getting to work?

The general position is that flirting is bad for business and affects productivity.

Studies show that feelings like passion and love, especially in the early stages of a relationship, can negatively affect productivity because our minds are elsewhere and not on the task at hand.

This is particularly challenging in a professional environment — and when you may have to work alongside your loved one.

However, there are steps you can take to reduce distractions.

Minimize communications that are not of a professional nature, except when essential, and avoid physical contact, such as kissing or holding hands in the workplace.

3. Does your organization allow it?

Flirting and dating are natural phenomena, whether organizations like it or not.

Banning relationships is not the solution, and at best it will only drive them underground.

Despite this, many employers (particularly in the US) take strict stances on them, implementing “love contracts”—written rules and policies to which the couple agrees, confirming that the relationship is consensual and voluntary.

This is designed not only to protect the couple, but also to protect the employer from being sued for harassment if the relationship ends.

Employees are likely not to want to share with their line manager, HR person or relevant colleagues with whom they are having sex.

Article 8 of the Human Rights Act protects individuals’ right to private and family life, which may explain why love contracts are not used in the UK.

Employers need to balance the interests of the business itself with the employees’ right to privacy.

However, just as there are policies and training in place to combat sexual harassment, discrimination and mental health issues, there is also a need to address romance in the workplace.

Your employer should have accessible (and reasonable) policies and guidelines on disclosure of relationships, especially when they are hierarchical.

4. What happens if you break up?

While no one plans to end the relationship, it can happen — and it’s best to be prepared.

In a relationship outside of the workplace, a breakup can mean your productivity declines or you need to take a day off for the sake of your mental health.

But if you work with your now ex-partner, there are other things to consider, like interacting or collaborating on a project.

Where relevant, it may be possible to request a transfer to a different team or work remotely until the dust settles.

Your company may also offer workplace therapies or programs designed to support employees going through difficult times, including depression, grief, or a breakup.

Ultimately, the way employers choose to handle office romance is by recognizing that workplace relationships happen — and understanding that happier, more satisfied employees tend to be more productive and collaborate better in teams.

It’s in employers’ best interests to support their employees’ well-being, even (and especially) when those employees fall in love.

Chantal Gautier is a professor, organizational psychologist and clinical sexologist at the Faculty of Social Sciences at the University of Westminster in London (UK).

This text was originally published here.