Last January, Cindy, a young woman from Texas, unwittingly opened a big conversation around casual sex.

One tweet of her, in which she stated that “hookup culture would be so much better if men weren’t so emotionally apathetic. More women would agree to have casual sex if they were treated more humanely“, he gathered in a few hours 60,000 likes and almost 8,000 retweetssparking an online debate about how good casual sex is defined.

Some argued that such a connection should be purely carnal, while others agreed that a “minimum of respect” between partners would make the experience more enjoyable. “I’m all for doing what you want with your body, but I feel that casual sex has a purely selfish dimension, when it should be a shared and mutual experienceCindy told Elite Daily.

Even if you’re in favor of it casual sex, I’m sure you’ll agree that sometimes it’s just plain bad. Not in the moral sense, but in practice. According to Maria Yagoda, author of “Laid and Confused: Why We Tolerate Bad Sex and How to Stop,” bad sex is largely due to ineffective or absent communication. “The culture of intimacy during sex isn’t communicated at all, so we don’t learn what it’s like to truly connect with others in that special moment“, he reports to Elite Daily.

She argues that having sex with a near-stranger, with whom you don’t feel close, is very likely to end very badly, and yet you tolerate it, simply because you don’t know how to express it. Hayley, 27, from New York, is a fan of casual sex and says the variety of partners has provided her with personal empowerment. He emphasizes, however, that in every casual relationship, he prioritizes the human dimension of the other and the expression of boundaries. “Connecting with each person is different, but always based on respect. If you lose that, it’s hard to get it back».

For some, asking for what you want in sex is synonymous with how you want to be treated.

“Stiger I demand respect. I know it’s okay to ask for what I want and explain how I feel. And I found that my ability to say, “Hey, don’t be mean to me, that’s what I expect from you” helped me have better casual relationshipssays Erica, 29, adding that when she doesn’t feel cared for by a casual partner, she’s not afraid to leave.

Perhaps, ultimately, the most important conversation about casual sex is the one you’ll have with yourself

Ask yourself: Is this something you really want? Emily, 27, from New York, realized she was having casual sex for the wrong reasons. “I was using it as a substitute for intimacy at a time when I didn’t feel ready for a committed relationship. I had to focus on myself and instead sought validation from men who really weren’t important.’ When she realized this, she took a step back and focused on herself. Now, she seeks sex more purposefully. “Now I choose casual sex, not to feel better about myself, but just to have fun“, says.

There is no recipe for the ideal sex life

After all, each person has different limits, wants and needs. According to Yagoda, however, we owe “to seek sexual experiences – casual and non- casual – in which we will feel comfortable communicating». And if, despite trying, that doesn’t work, then maybe casual sex isn’t working for you right now.

Yagoda devotes an entire chapter of her book to arguing that it’s better to have less sex when you feel like you’re wasting your time. “There’s never been a better time to review our sex life and I think it starts with having less, cutting out bad experiences and being more selective“, he says characteristically.

“If you’re going to hook up with someone, it’s important to have mutual understanding and mutual respect, even if your hookup isn’t serious or exclusiveCindy concludes.