If you feel lonely, the natural thing to do is to seek company: call a friend or meet somewhere outside, with a larger group. But instead, a new study finds that if we’re very lonely, being around other people may not help us feel better.

  • Degrees of loneliness

In three studies, researchers surveyed over 3,000 people in Germany and the UK about their daily experiences. In the first study, people recalled events from the previous day. In the other studies, people were pinged by phone up to seven times a day and filled out mini-surveys about what they were doing and how they were feeling in the last hour. In each of these, the researchers found that people who felt more lonely had lower well-being at the time (in terms of the types of emotions they felt, such as happiness, anger, sadness and boredom, as well as a sense of satisfaction and meaning). This was no surprise.

What was surprising is that this pattern was even stronger when people were in a social situation, which in theory would help them not feel that way. “Just spending time with others … can even fail,” write researchers Olga Stavrova and Dongning Ren of Tilburg University in the Netherlands.

On average, people felt better when they were with others. But this was not the case for people who felt very lonely, who either felt the same or worse when they were around other people.

  • The burden of loneliness

The third study, conducted five months after the COVID-19 pandemic, suggested two reasons why being around others may not comfort us when we feel lonely. Initially, people who felt lonely had a greater desire to be alone – and the more they wanted to be alone, the worse they felt, especially when they were in a social situation.

“The presence of others or the need to engage in social interactions under these conditions can be particularly stressful and exacerbate the unpleasant feeling of loneliness,” write Stavrova and Ren. Additionally, people who felt more lonely had more negative social interactions, which also appeared to contribute to how bad they felt. When we’re alone, the researchers explain, we may act in ways that make socializing less rewarding than it might be.

“Loneliness predisposes people to approach social interactions with cynicism, mistrust, and an expectation of rejection and betrayal, which can in turn negatively affect others’ behavior toward them,” write Stavrova and Ren. “Loneliness can make it more difficult to create a true sense of connection with others. Having to socialize with others without a sense of connection can be particularly tiring and meaningless, damaging to one’s psychological well-being.”

  • Is all this a sign that social interaction can’t help the lonely?

Definitely no. This study included all kinds of social interaction, from talking with a friend to simply standing in line at a grocery store. It is possible that some types of social interactions are helpful when we are alone – such as receiving emotional support from a trusted person – and others are not.

Also, we should not underestimate the value of solitude. If lonely people need some time alone to cope and feel better, there’s nothing wrong with that. “Loneliness research suggests that loneliness can be functional, allowing individuals to regulate their emotions,” Stavrova and Ren write.

Overall, this study is a good reminder of how complicated loneliness is. It’s more of a state of mind than a simple indicator of how many connections we have. Loneliness triggers change throughout our lives and cannot be easily solved by leaving the house. In fact, a review of studies found that the best strategy may be to teach ourselves to challenge our automatic negative thoughts, such as blaming ourselves for feeling bad or believing that no one wants to be our friend.

Hopefully, all of this can help us be more understanding of others when they suffer from loneliness, as well as ourselves.