Loneliness can have positive effects on mental and physical health

by

Sally Snowman loves to be alone. Caretaker of the Boston Light, a century-old lighthouse on Little Brewster Island, in Boston Harbor, she already has this custom. For most of the last 19 years, she has lived there every year from April to October.

She fills her days with work, cleaning the windows, mowing the lawn and sweeping the spiral staircase to the 100-foot lighthouse tower. She reads a lot and often watches the sunset. And she enjoys every minute of it. “It’s a relief to be on the island when I’m alone, things calm down,” said Snowman, 70. The time she spends alone is restorative.

But not everyone feels the same way about loneliness, and over the past couple of years, the pandemic has imposed some version of it on all of us. We saw fewer friends and spent more time at home. There were those who felt more lonely, especially if they were already single or living alone.

As we enter a new phase of the pandemic that is less “sanitize your groceries” and more “well, I think this is the new normal”, occasional periods of isolation can be normalized in our lives, with digital vaccination cards or a Exclusive drawer to store the masks.

Whether you’re hoping for more or less alone time, solitude is something you can learn to enjoy.

Loneliness is more pleasant if you have it under control.

How we view our alone time largely depends on how we choose to use it, said Virginia Thomas, an assistant professor of psychology at Middlebury College who studies loneliness: “People who seek isolation willingly, or ‘loneliness’ , tend to report feeling full – as if they are full of ideas, thoughts or things to do. This is different from loneliness, a negative state where you are disconnected from other people and feel empty.”

The key is to see loneliness as a choice, not punishment.

In a 2019 survey, Thomas found that teens who deliberately sought to be alone showed higher levels of well-being and were less lonely than their peers who were alone only because of circumstances.

The same was true for young adults aged 18 to 25, who also had increased levels of personal growth and self-acceptance, and lower levels of depression. In fact, most research shows that we benefit more from loneliness as we age, Thomas said, as we develop more control over our time and better cognitive and emotional skills to help us use it more constructively.

Jenn Drummond, 41, a climber from Park City, Utah, spends a lot of time alone as she trains to become the first woman to climb the Seven Second Summits, the second highest — and often toughest — mountain on every continent.

When she catches herself “getting into a melancholy pattern,” she reminds herself that she’s in charge. “Loneliness is happening to me. Loneliness is happening to me. That small change makes the biggest difference,” Drummond explained.

You can learn to like it even if you’re not an introvert

You might assume that only introverts benefit from solitude, but research doesn’t make it clear whether they’re actually more adept at being alone, Thomas noted: “Anyone, with any personality, can appreciate it — with one caveat: If you know use it well.”

That means deciding what you want from your time – processing a difficult situation, getting creative, or just enjoying a few minutes without someone under five asking you for something.

“Without a goal, we’re going to throw spaghetti at the wall, and that can trigger a false sense of failure, like, ‘Oh, I’m not good at being alone,'” said Gina Moffa, a grief and trauma psychotherapist in New York, adding that Loneliness can have a calming effect on the mind and body, which can be off-putting to anyone who often equates happiness with feeling energized. This person is usually bored or restless.

The key to dispelling discomfort is replacing it with something pleasant. “If you don’t know where to start, think of something you enjoy doing in general and try doing it yourself,” the therapist advised.

And, no, spending hours on Twitter doesn’t count as healthy loneliness. In a 2020 study, Thomas followed 69 participants for a week, finding that they were more emotionally satisfied with loneliness when they were truly alone, without their cell phone, than when they were alone but still with the phone.

“If you want to connect with yourself or feel calm or creative, will browsing social media give you what you need?” she asked. Most of the time, the answer is no.

There are ways to make loneliness easier

Jim “Ox” van Hoften, a former NASA astronaut, experienced a very particular loneliness; during his space missions in the 1980s, he was isolated from family, routine and, literally, the world.

“Even so, there were only a few times when I felt like I was really alone,” said Van Hoften, 77. Although the crew could contact ground control for only 20 minutes out of every 90-minute orbit, he still felt supported: “Even in outer space, you’re never alone, there’s always someone helping.”

This is also true on Earth. Contacting a friend can still be part of your solitude ritual, according to Moffa. “In fact, having the space to do that while we’re in this place of solitude can make communication deeper and connection more authentic, because we’re without the many layers of distraction around us.”

You can also do a solo activity, but share it with the community. Moffa, for example, is part of a group chat with friends who text each other their Wordle points every day. “We all do this silently on our own, but it becomes something that connects us when we share it.”

Loneliness can also involve silence, which has been found to reduce stress, improve sleep and help make decisions for some people. But without structure, it can be intimidating, said Eloise Skinner, who spent a year as a nun in a modern monastic community.

Practice being comfortable with silence during small moments of your day, first while doing something else – like cooking or walking – and then while just being still.

“In the monastic community, every moment of silence has a purpose,” explained Skinner, 30. Adding structure to your silence — writing in a journal or listening to your breathing — can make it more satisfying.

If you only need to hear one voice, let it be yours. Liz Thomas, 36, a professional long-distance runner who has covered 10,000 miles on her own, promotes lively conversations with herself using her trail name, Snorkel. “Come on, Snorkel, you have to put up that tent.” Talking to herself in the second person calms her worries, something researchers also found in a 2014 study.

You can find solitude anywhere

Sally Snowman hasn’t spent the night on Little Brewster Island since 2019. She still goes several times a week for routine maintenance, but the Coast Guard is in the process of handing over management of the lighthouse and doesn’t need her there as much.

Recapturing the sense of calm she felt when she was there has been “the ultimate challenge” on the mainland, she said, as she began visiting a local park at peak times, “looking beyond the man-made aspects and focusing only on the trees.” .

Then she tries to keep that tranquility and that contentment and bring them home. “Find a place you feel connected to. Then practice finding it within yourself without literally having to go there.”

You May Also Like

Recommended for you