Mothering: “I learned to welcome myself”, says author who fled from grief after losing a baby

A few days ago, actress Fernanda Paes Leme said that she lost a baby after a miscarriage, which took place at the end of 2021. During her speech on the program Mil e Uma Tretas, the actress was moved to tears when remembering the “invisible mourning” and the the way people tried to ease their pain.

The journalist and broadcaster from Paraná, Cássia Gomes, 38, knows this suffering well. She lost Antônio three years ago, at nine months of pregnancy. She found out during an ultrasound exam, when she didn’t hear her son’s heart beat.

Moments later, she heard from someone close to her that several women went through that in the world and that she would soon get over it. “I just wish I could cry,” she recalls.

Social pressure to overcome grief and unverbalized pain brought some problems: high blood pressure, hospitalization, anxiety attacks and apathy. She knew well afterwards that it was post-traumatic stress disorder.

“I wanted to stop my pain to the point of not feeling it. I wanted to contain everything, and then I exploded”, he says. “As I thought I could do it on my own, without medication, I was in a loop, going to the hospital every week with an anxiety crisis. I took palliative medication, I was fine for a few days and then I got sick again. I was hospitalized in an ICU for cardiological problems “, account. The pain she brought in her heart did not show up in the exams.

The “shake” came from a doctor on duty who always found her in the emergency room. “You don’t have anything physical, you’ve lost a child and you need to deal with your emotional,” she said. “When he said that, I think I got it right,” she says. She abandoned the prejudice against psychiatric treatment and also began to exercise.

Writing was part of the process, and his texts can be read in Flores que nas entre os craschas (InVerso Edition). The book brings some of her tears, but also talks about how she exchanged the bitter taste for the resignification of events, including the reconnection with her home, husband and son, then 4 years old. She narrates how she was visited by fear and how it turned into courage.

Sheltering Antonio’s brief life was a gift, says Cássia. For her, one of the biggest lessons was recognizing and respecting her pain. “This book is nothing more than a dialogue with me. The beginning of the cure happened when I put myself on her lap, I was generous with myself and started to celebrate achievements”.

Martin is one of them. Her third child arrived 5 months ago. “I was insecure at the idea of ​​another pregnancy, but a confidence confirmed us that there is a right time for everything under heaven”, concludes the author.

“Flowers that grow through the cracks”

Author: Cassia Gomes

Publishing company: Inverse, 70 pages.

Average price: BRL 48

This Saturday (15) is the international day of awareness and awareness of pregnancy losses. The subject is still taboo for many people and it is not uncommon for bereaved parents to hear phrases such as “I’m glad it was in the beginning”, “God wanted it that way”, or “soon, soon, you’ll have another one”.

Instead of helping, these buzzwords pour more alcohol into a still-open wound.

Whether it’s a gestational loss, when the baby is still in the belly, or neonatal, after birth, one thing is common among all losses: the intensity of pain.

The 40 Weeks podcast addressed maternal grief in one episode. Fathers and mothers share their experiences and say how they would like to be seen by society.