Solo polyamory? Not ethical monogamy? The love and sex lessons of 2022

The ways we think about love and sex are always evolving. They are influenced by cultural, political and global events.

This year was not different. Much of that influence has spread online, especially in communities that identify on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum.

At the same time, the self-reflection conducted throughout the COVID-19 pandemic continues to cascade down the world of relationships at large, resulting in more intentional practices. With that, people began to think more about who and how they would like to date.

In 2022, this movement has caused more people to openly move away from binary standards of gender and attraction.

We saw people even more dependent on the internet to find potential partners, for better and for worse.

And people are increasingly expressing themselves about experiencing different types of relationships, from solo polyamory to platonic life partnerships.

Moving away from binary patterns

In Western culture, relationships, gender and sexuality have long been defined by binary standards. Either the couple is dating, or they are not; someone is attracted to women or men, the person is male or female.

But in recent years, these binary patterns have become less entrenched and more people are viewing sexual orientations and gender identities in different ways. And this process was especially remarkable in 2022.

With regard to sexual orientation, a person’s gender has lost relevance for many looking for a partner, especially for many millennials and Gen Z youth in their intimate relationships.

For some of them, gender has even become one of the last items on the list of what they want in a partner. This is especially true for people who identify as queer or pansexual, meaning that their romantic and/or sexual attractions are independent of gender.

Ella Deregowska is 23 years old and lives in London. She claims that identifying as pansexual has allowed her to move “with greater fluidity and accept every attraction I feel without feeling like I need to reconsider my identity or label to explain it.”

Experts claim that the increase in openness to non-binary attractions is, in part, related to the growth of their representation in popular media.

There are television programs like Canadian Schitt’s Creekin which actor Dan Levy plays the pansexual character David Rose, to celebrities such as American singer and songwriter Janelle Monáe, who identified with pansexuality.

It wasn’t just sexual orientation that deviated from binary standards this year. Other young people (and celebrities) have also moved away from binaries to describe their gender.

Identifying as non-binary or gender-fluid allows many people to express themselves more authentically, without rigid classification between one definition and another.

“One day, I wake up feeling more feminine and I can maybe wear a crop top and wear earrings. And there are times when I kind of need my binder [colete para minimizar o volume dos seios] because I’m not feeling that way”, says Carla Hernando, who is 26 years old and lives in Barcelona, ​​Spain.

But with more and more people breaking gender and sex binary patterns, dating can still be a minefield for people who identify as non-binary.

From dating apps requiring binary genders to people forcing non-binary partners to adopt gender roles, not all of society has joined the movement to move away from binary gender norms.

Challenging more and more taboos and traditions

In the past year, relationships between young people have further shaken society’s ingrained norms.

Gen Z in particular has embraced the gray zone of dating, intentionally getting into “situations.”

These hookups satisfy the need for close companionship, intimacy, and sex, but don’t necessarily depend on long-term relationship goals—instead, they fall somewhere between a steady relationship and the occasional encounter.

According to sociology professor Elizabeth Armstrong, from the University of Michigan, in the United States, who studies these types of relationships, the young people of Generation Z believe that “the ‘situation’, for some reason, works in the moment. And, in the moment, I’m not going to worry about having something that ‘goes to something’.”

In general, openness to many types of non-traditional relationships also gained visibility.

Ethical non-monogamy is pervasive across TikTok, often in the form of polyamorous relationships, involving more than two romantic and sexual partners who live together.

There are also open relationships, which can vary from partners who are with other couples to those who have separate relationships with people other than their primary partners.

There are also the poly people who prefer to live alone, adopting the “solo polyamory” lifestyle. They live alone, but dedicate themselves to several committed relationships.

And others prefer to live together with platonic partners, forming lasting relationships and even buying houses and planning for the future with close friends rather than lovers.

But despite all this, many relationship myths and taboos have survived and are likely to remain.

The embarrassment of being single, for example, remains strong since the start of the pandemic, when a survey by the dating service Match found that 52% of single adults in the UK were embarrassed by their lack of a loving relationship.

And people still condemn actor Leonardo DiCaprio and many other people for their relationships with a big age gap. Myths also persist, such as the idea that “opposites attract”, although this is often not the case.

Breakups are hard — even more so with covid and the economy

The greater tranquility between different forms of dating did not facilitate breakups.

Many couples who flourished with the restrictions of covid-19 felt this difficulty a lot in 2022.

Having started dating in “couples bubbles” during the lockdowns, many are struggling to adjust to relationships under more normal conditions. And some couples who got along just by themselves haven’t adapted to the real world.

In 2022, we also saw solutions for couples on the verge of breaking up. Divorce coaches have been helping couples navigate the mental health difficulties of their breakups from the UK to Canada.

These coaches represent a shift toward normalizing the demand for therapeutic help in times of high stress and throughout the divorce process.

“Divorcing is no longer seen as a character flaw or failure in one’s life,” according to clinical psychologist Yasmine Saad, founder of Madison Park Psychological Services in New York City.

Therefore, hiring a divorce coach is as natural as “seeking financial advice before investing your money”.

Couples who prefer to distance themselves can try a gap year — an extended period apart that doesn’t spell the end of the relationship.

Relationship therapists say they have seen an increase in this practice in the wake of the pandemic, with couples who have felt cooped up together over the past two years wanting to explore a solo life without being separated.

Among couples intent on splitting up, the latest downturn in the economy has left them stuck with each other, living together. After all, currently it is not cheap to live alone, or to buy a share of a former partner in joint housing.

This was the case for Chantal Tucker, who is 37 years old and co-owns a property in London with her former partner: “I knew I would never be able to buy property again and the prospect of renting in London forever was looming. increasingly unpleasant”.

Improving the world of dating

Meanwhile, for singles, it’s still difficult to navigate the treacherous waters of dating apps.

It is undeniable that dating apps are now the main way young people (millennials and Generation Z) use to meet people.

There are thousands of online dating sites, which are used by 48% of 18- to 29-year-olds in the United States.

But, unfortunately, bad behavior on these apps is a constant, including people who use them to practice infidelity or even harassment – most of them, directed at users identified as women.

So it’s no wonder that many people suffer total burnout about online dating.

People of all genders say they are overwhelmed by the options available on dating apps. They tell that they feel like they are in a numbers game and not interacting with potential real partners.

“Sometimes I get burned out when I feel like I have to search literally 100 people to find someone I find reasonably interesting,” says Rosemary Guiser, who is 32 years old and lives in Philadelphia, in the United States.

It’s almost impossible to avoid using apps to meet someone.

“Can you compare a little [os aplicativos de relacionamento] with Amazon or Facebook,” according to Nora Padison, a graduate and licensed counselor from Baltimore, USA.

But, due to the pandemic, people have become accustomed to having their initial dates online. Many consider this pre-selection a safer and smarter way to decide to go on a real date and yet this is how many singles are meeting more “intentionally”.

Another way is to refrain from drinking during dates.

A 2022 trends survey by dating service Bumble found that 34% of its British users were more likely to go on dates without drinking since the start of the pandemic, while 62% said they would be more able to form “genuine connections” during the sober encounters.

Rooms ‘dead’ while others are booming

While the pandemic has given people time to explore and even reconsider their sexualities, it has definitely taken a toll on people’s sex lives, specifically millennial couples.

Data from 2021 demonstrate that married millennials in the United States reported the greatest problems with sexual desire in that year, often attributed to exhaustion caused by heavy workload, mental health issues and financial stressors.

We learned this year that marriages among millennials seem to be becoming sexless more quickly than previous generations.

San Francisco-based sex therapist Celeste Hirschmann noticed that her married clients often took about 10 to 15 years to stop having sex with each other. “Now, it could be taking three to five,” she said.

But while many married millennials struggle in sexless marriages, Baby Boomers may be having the best sex of their lives. His experience and patience resulted in better skill and communication in bed.

Generation Z, with its reputation for not having enough sex, is starting to approach sex more pragmatically.

Their focus is not on establishing a lasting relationship as a life goal, but on structuring their own lives before bringing in a committed partner or thinking about starting a family.

And no matter what kind of sex people are having, there’s good news. Adopting a positive growth mindset can improve your sex life.

With all these options, does anyone have any New Year’s resolutions in sight?