For Dalai Lama, ‘wise selfishness’ is the balance between interest and altruism

Selfishness has a bad name – which, most of the time, is more than deserved. Nobody likes people who don’t want to pass the ball to other players or don’t want to share a joint with their friends, possibly because we see in these people a reflection of our own latent greed. We say we care about others – but, as the humorist George Carlin said, we still eat the middle part of the bread, leaving the ends for others.

Aside from the desire to avoid hypocrisy and public relations problems, there are many other reasons why we shouldn’t be selfish. Research suggests that generous and compassionate people are happier, healthier, more popular and more successful.

Even so, we all need to know how to defend our own interests. If we lived in a state of perpetual altruism, refusing to speak for ourselves and acting like doormats, this would constitute what a teacher of Tibetan Buddhism described as “idiotic compassion.”

So how to find a balance point?

I recently traveled to Dharamsala, India, to spend a few weeks close to His Holiness the Dalai Lama. It was a very rare opportunity, considering he’s 87 years old and doesn’t often do interviews.

I’m a huge fan of the Dalai Lama, which is perhaps not surprising given that I write books and host a podcast about happiness. But I confess that I have a somewhat ambiguous relationship with him.

On the one hand, his biography is extraordinary. He was 2 years old when he was identified as the spiritual and political leader of Tibet. It didn’t take long for him to show himself adept at meditation and academic studies. At the age of 23, after the Chinese invasion of Tibet, he was forced into exile. Instead of fading into irrelevance, he became a global figure, meeting with world leaders, appearing in Apple ads and keeping the Tibetan cause in the headlines. And he did all this while constantly preaching compassion, even as the Chinese government repressed its people and desecrated its culture. The Dalai Lama has also leveraged his influence and resources to help catalyze an explosion of scientific research into meditation.

On the other hand, I find that his relentless advocacy of kindness and generosity triggers a kind of imposter syndrome in me. The Dalai Lama is seen as an emanation of a Buddhist deity of compassion known as Avalokiteshvara. This deity has a thousand arms. In each of her hands she holds an eyeball, and everyone constantly scans the world for instances of suffering. In my despondent moments, I sometimes imagine that I, too, am a being with a thousand arms, only the eyeballs in my palms are only looking for ways to selfishly please myself.

That was the psychic baggage I carried for my interview with the Dalai Lama. But I was reminded during our meeting that His Holiness has a theory that elegantly exposes the false dichotomy between selfishness and selflessness. The Dalai Lama calls this “wise selfishness.”

We all have an innate tendency to defend our own interests. It’s natural and not something we should be ashamed of. But, said the Dalai Lama, truly enlightened self-interest involves recognizing that acting generously and unselfishly brings you more happiness than fighting only for what is in your own best interest.

The concept of wise selfishness reveals that the separation between self-interest and the interest of the other is porous. Adam Grant, an organizational psychologist at the Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania, coined an apt term for the fusion of altruism and selfishness: “otherish.”

The Dalai Lama told me, “Thinking more compassionately is the best way to realize your own interests.” He also said that his own practice is to think as often as possible about how to benefit other people. “The result? I benefit!”, he exclaimed, sticking his tongue out at me and letting out one of his characteristic cackles.

Then he got serious. “Altruism doesn’t mean you forget your own interests completely – none of that!” he said, with a graceful flick of his wrist, dismissing the matter.

It was exactly what I needed to hear, given my tendency to be self-critical. Wise selfishness does not require that I not pursue my personal ambitions. The Buddha himself, 2,600 years ago, spoke at length about what constituted a “just livelihood,” one that does not harm other beings, and this focus did not exclude material success. Some of the Buddha’s most loyal followers were wealthy merchants.

The important thing for wisely ambitious people to keep in mind is that other-oriented states of mind, such as altruism and compassion—which you might think of as nothing more than an innate capacity to care for the good of others—take us away from of the exhausting circles of self-involvement that modern society so often plunges us into, with its emphasis on individualism, consumerism and the rush to accumulate likes on our selfies.

Modern psychological research confirms the Dalai Lama’s insight. In his book “Give and Take” (Give and Take, in Portuguese), Grant writes that in a professional context, people who are generous with their time but also keep their own interest in mind are often the most successful in a organization.

This is partly because generosity makes your co-workers like you more, and partly because it makes you happier and more energetic. It’s a virtuous circle: being kind makes you happier, which makes you nicer, which makes you even happier.

So if you want to be selfish in a better way, try to cultivate a compassionate attitude. Research suggests that abilities such as compassion and altruism are not innate and unalterable traits, but skills that need to be developed. Here are four strategies for accessing that upward spiral yourself.

Do the Love and Kindness Meditation

Sit quietly, close your eyes and think of a succession of people. Start with someone who is easy to love, like a pet or a child. Once you have a mental image of that person in your head, silently convey four kind wishes to that person: that you be happy, that you are safe, that you are healthy, that you have plenty.

Then think of yourself, a mentor, a neutral person, a person you have difficulty getting along with, and finally, all beings everywhere. Research on this practice is still in its infancy, but it shows that the love and kindness meditation increases feelings of social bonding and reduces depression.

This is classic wise selfishness: you cultivate the capacity to care for others, and in the process, you gain more health and happiness. I suggest you start modestly, with one to five minutes of meditation a few days a week, and then build up.

At first I resisted this type of meditation because, in addition to being selfish, I am skeptical and unsentimental. But once I incorporated it into my practice, it helped me become more comfortable with myself. Compassion and positive thoughts spread in all directions. You cannot leave yourself out.

Over time, as I trained myself to send love and kindness to myself, I realized that my selfishness is motivated by fear. I used to flagellate myself every time I failed to pay attention to a conversation, for example, because I was busy compulsively following my show’s position in the podcast rankings. Today I can see this kind of reflective selfishness as a natural, if unskillful, impulse. It’s the organism trying to protect itself – but I don’t have to automatically obey it.

At the same time, adopting a kinder attitude towards myself has helped me to reduce my demands on other people. This has benefited my relationships, a fact that makes me happier.

chat with other people

Aim to increase the number of positive interactions you have throughout the day, including with strangers in cafes or elevators. Studies reveal that these “micromoments” can bring us a lot of happiness. And this practice is very useful to combat the lack of social bonds that many of us feel.

Loneliness was growing even before the coronavirus pandemic. We know from psychological research that the strength of our relationships is the most important variable for human happiness and well-being.

Dedicate everyday tasks to other people

Before beginning any activity, take a moment to dedicate what you are about to do to the good of all beings. It is serious! Before brushing your teeth, taking a nap, or eating a sandwich, silently tell yourself something like, “I’m going to do this to be strong and healthy—not just for myself, but so I can help others. “.

As was the case with the love and kindness meditation, I found it a bit sentimental at first, but now I see it as a useful way to activate my latent altruism and imbue my daily activities with greater meaning. So before I exercise or meditate, I try to remind myself that I’m not just doing this for selfish reasons, but so that I can be a healthier, happier, more helpful father, husband, and co-worker.

It’s important to remember that it’s okay to start this, as well as all the other practices I’ve mentioned here, with a selfish intention. Your motivation is likely to start to change over time.

Take advantage of the small opportunities that appear to be generous

Science tells us that generosity benefits both the receiver and the giver. Functional MRI scans show that being generous activates the same brain areas as dessert. And the gesture of generosity doesn’t have to be anything grand. You don’t have to save a person from a burning building. It could be something as simple as holding a door open for someone, giving a compliment, or sending a text message to someone who is going through a tough time.

Changing your way of being can be a time-consuming process. Our conditioning of individualism and materialism runs deep. That’s why it was helpful for me to stay close to the Dalai Lama and be reminded about wise selfishness.

I’ve been striving for years to work on these skills, and yet sometimes I forget, slip into a greedy attitude, and then the subsequent self-criticism. Over time, however, I learned to move in the direction of altruism again.

An example is this article you are reading. Of course, I’m driven in part by a desire to promote my work and to have my mother see my name in the New York Times. But another part of me is motivated to share this information because I know, from my research and personal experience, that it will likely benefit your life.

I’ve learned that there’s nothing wrong with taking satisfaction from things that give us selfish pleasure, especially when those things fuel other-oriented work. Why can’t selfishness and altruism coexist in a beneficial double helix?

Perfection is not within our reach. In a few days your Avalokiteshvara arm may have bursitis. Rather than comparing ourselves to the Dalai Lama, we can use him as an example to remind us that we are all capable of training our minds to progress in small but important steps. Even people like me who fear they have an irreparably wicked heart. It’s really you.

Translated by Clara Allain