My OCD makes me think I am killing or about to kill someone

I remember when I was 18, I would avoid eye contact and look out the window at night and say to my boyfriend at the time, “I think they’re going to kill me.”

I don’t know why I said this or what I was talking about, but I was convinced that fate would have a terrible ending.

I first thought about it when I was 10 years old. I saw the opening series of the first scream movie in a neighborhood house and went home as a zombie.

I didn’t know where Drew Barrymore’s hitman was, so I was hoping there would be a scene where he jumped out of his skin. I lay down on the bed, looked at the bedroom door and pulled the blanket up to my chin as I waited for the killer to open it.

I still can’t watch a scary movie. I imagine being a victim on screen and it feels so real, like someone has a gun behind my window ready to attack me.

But this is not just the idea of ​​killing. Over time, I grew up with the idea of ​​hurting my loved ones terribly.

In 2020, when my daughter was four months old, I was diagnosed with Postpartum OCD-Anxiety Disorders.

A photo of her birth, taken from the stairs and across the room, hit me hard on the back and left me home alone for hours, so I thought it was too dangerous for my motherhood.

At the time, I thought I had never had OCD. One of the best known symptoms is the lack of order and cleanliness. I am a Virgo, but I have never been subjected to extreme disciplinary measures.

But recently, two years after I was diagnosed, and thinking about what I said to my ex-boyfriend many years ago, I realized that he would be with me for the rest of my life.

I remember seeing some people over the years and visually imagining killing them with something brutal when I was casually talking. I was convinced that days, months or years prevented me from committing a crime. From heartbeats, blood, sirens, courthouses and prisons, I was able to replay it all in my head.

I am still fascinated by domestic violence, child abuse, murder based articles, documentaries and movies. I search tirelessly for these stories and master all the details that spark my imagination.

Inevitably, I finally pulled my knees to my chest to hide or hug my beautiful daughter tighter to protect her from harm. self harm? I don’t know.

I sleep through tears, but go to bed, complain, blame myself for falling down a guilty rabbit hole, and tell myself in my head that I may have committed these crimes too.

I’m scared. Then, if you want to remotely avoid related violence, articles, or movies and show that they don’t affect you, restart the cycle.

But why am I doing this? Was I the victim or perpetrator of a violent crime in which the ghosts returned in my previous life? Are you really nervous? Am I worthy of being excluded from society?

Now I think this is because these stories of violence flow into parts of my brain and convince me that I am a murderer or that I have been killed. I can’t stop no matter how much I care. These actions and routines are very typical of people with OCD.

I have always been silent about violent thoughts since I was 18 years old. Even as I am writing this now, knowing that it will be published for others to read, I am filled with utter horror.

I always witness the openness, the fear of judgement, and the scared look my way when I know that I am kind, caring, loyal, and ambitious.

While writing this article, I first typed the words “OCD”, “intrusive thought”, and “killer” into Google in the same sentence. And for the first time I wanted to understand what was going on in my head and help others not feel alone, so I had a deep talk with someone.

I learned that harmful thoughts (obsessions) are part of my OCD and stand out because they are far away from me. Everyone has ideas they don’t want, but those with OCD can’t dismiss them as mere ideas, we care about them.

When these thoughts come to mind, it seems so easy to put them into action.

I learned to get frustrated when I get mentally ill. The voice of OCD in my head thrives when I feel bad, when I feel bad or when I have nothing to do, and I fall into absolute horror.

Attention to exercise, proper nutrition, drinking plenty of water, and self-control help me. Then I feel strong enough to free myself from painful thoughts.

This time it can be very moving, but I enjoy it because I need to know that I can recognize my thoughts for what they are. It’s just thinking, not reality. And thoughts can (and will).