The maternal guilt of a surfer mother – Origin Surf

I was recently invited to accompany a group of beginner surfers who participated in a women’s-only surf training program.

In a beautiful house, on a beautiful beach, I felt what happens in these surf clinics for women.

It was powerful and potent, as I wrote in a previous text, but it cost some pain and that’s what I reflect on.

In short, I write about maternal guilt, that strange feeling that only women who have children and especially those who breastfeed feel (free demand, then, vixe maria).

A surfer mother’s maternal guilt

I shouldn’t be here; how is he doing? my chest is filling with milk; he must be crying; did he eat? Wave….

I’m a terrible mother and what if everyone realizes that I’m a terrible mother? Wow, what a horror to think about. Am I not well? What time will this end? It’s too good to be true. Enjoy it, Janaína, how I missed myself. But I better get the ‘saidera’ because he must be missing me. Does the father care? I’ll go out.

Wow, what a left! It’s my nightshade. And this guy next door? If he turns me around, I’ll say something. Wave…

This more or less sums up my thoughts while surfing beautiful waves. Between strokes, she thought about the guilt she felt and how heavy her shoulders really were.

It is important to clarify that even knowing that my son was being taken care of by the father, even knowing that the father is caring, loving, responsible, even having full idea of ​​all this, the guilt was uncontrollable.

In my thoughts it was inconceivable that I was doing something so pleasurable, while my son was probably missing me, or rather, the lack of tetê.

In addition, the burden of knowing that my husband, the one who pays the household bills, was not working was on my shoulders. Instead, he was taking care of our son while I was having fun. How absurd!

That guilt was growing, growing, until I couldn’t stand it. So, I looked to the side and saw one of the surf clinic participants. That woman was there because she knew me and saw my stories announcing my participation in the clinic.

So in a way I felt free to confess that anguish, which was almost triggering an anxiety crisis.

“You can’t imagine the guilt I’m feeling right now!”, I vented. But, she knew. How did she know! After all, she was a mother of two. So, that mother welcomed me, but not without warning about the trap of feeling that.

It turns out that we don’t choose to feel maternal guilt, we just feel it.

The worst mother in the world

First of all, there is no recipe, as we are talking about the world of feelings, so there is nothing rational here. As I said, no one chooses to feel guilt, but they do.

Secondly, there is a lie told for centuries that seeks to naturalize maternal guilt that says: “a mother is born, a guilt is born”. In fact, a woman is born, guilt is born, but anyway…

When I became a mother I heard this a lot, and in fact I experienced maternal guilt in the first weeks of my son’s life.

I do not forget. He was a newborn, we were newborns, Antônio began to cry and never stopped. Nothing helped, not even the chest.

That’s when I saw a pacifier, still in its packaging, resting on the shelf, as if it didn’t exist. After all, the deal was not to give artificial nipples under any circumstances, but after hearing my son scream for who knows how long I didn’t hesitate:

“Fi, boil that pacifier.”

He promptly answered me. I put the pacifier in Antônio’s mouth and as soon as he gave the first ‘pacifier’ I burst into tears.

The poor father didn’t understand anything at all. Filipe looked at me without knowing what to say, while I cried and said “I gave him a pacifier, I’m going to ruin the handle, and if he doesn’t suckle on my breast”. moment I was. Because that’s what guilt does to us.

Therefore, the balance of this episode is at least didactic, so Antônio never wanted a pacifier and he still doesn’t let go of my chest. In other words, that guilt was useless, completely useless. As almost all maternal faults are.

How to avoid maternal guilt

This is not a cake recipe, but here are some tips from the queen of guilt:

• learn to identify the feeling of guilt;
• trust your instincts and don’t cling to the advice of family and friends;
• try to welcome guilt, understand that it is part of a cruel dynamic, in which the patriarchal system is sustained;
• read about machismo and patriarchy, it will help you to accept maternal guilt with less pain;
• ask for help, always;
• try to get it out in some way, whether it’s talking to someone you trust, in therapy, or writing in a journal.