Children sometimes don’t understand or listen to what you say and most of the time this is normal for their age. There are many reasons why a child “doesn’t listen” and most have nothing to do with disobedience. When we can understand a child’s unmet need, they will be much more willing to work with us.

“We all want our children to pay attention and respond when their safety is at stake. But most of the time they don’t involve life and death situations. And while we want cooperation, we really don’t want conformity. Conformity leads to inadequate boundary setting in relationships and an even greater potential for abuse“, she describes Jen Lumanian at Psychology Today.com.

“When we try to use respectful parenting tools, we also want to support our child’s autonomy—and ultimately we have to achieve that combination.”

How are we supposed to do both of these things when our child seems to be ignoring us or even disrespecting us?
There are 13 common reasons why our children don’t listen. When we understand why our child is not listening at a given moment, we can do something about it.

  • The child feels cut off

For the child to cooperate with us, it is important to be close to him. Try spending 10 minutes every day for a week doing an activity of his choice and see if anything changes.

  • Don’t threaten

What do I mean by that? We’ve all heard the phrase “if you don’t do this we won’t go to the park”, “if you don’t read I won’t buy you the toy you want”. He may at that moment listen to you and do what you tell him, but he is still a threat. It is good to explain to him why he should do what you tell him, rather than imposing it on him and threatening him with these kinds of phrases.

  • The child does not want to do the homework

His resistance may be for reasons you don’t understand. Ask your child why he doesn’t want to do the homework. What you can do is explain to him why it is good for him to do the task, even if it is not his favorite. Your child needs to learn to do things that he doesn’t really like. Tell him this will get him a good grade.

  • The child only wants to do his favorite activity

If he only wants to do what he likes and ignores the rest, then in his favorite activity include what he has to do. More specifically; If he loves cartoons, then say, “Let’s brush our teeth now so we can enjoy five minutes of cartoons before we leave.” It helps a lot as a tactic.

  • The child has learned to wait until you call to hear you

If you are constantly yelling so that your child can hear you, then he will automatically do what you say only if he sees you yelling and you have reached your limits. It’s good to find another way for him to listen to you and do the right thing, without shouting, without tensions.

  • You judge all the time

Have you found yourself saying “why did you do that?”, “now clean your room because you’re not going anywhere?”. Admit it, maybe you have! Instead, it is better to say: ”I notice that there are toys on the floor. Can we sit together to clean it up?”. This approach promotes collaboration and connection. In this way, your child will not constantly feel judged by you and thus you will not keep him at a distance from you. The purpose is for you to be attached and for him to feel that he can rely on you.

  • You don’t listen to your child so he does the same

If your child tells you something and you ignore it, then how do you expect him to do everything you tell him? When children feel heard and valued, they are more likely to reciprocate and listen to you. Spend time with your child and listen to what he has to say!

  • Consult an expert

If you can’t do it anymore and you feel like you’ve tried too hard and nothing has been done, then it would be good to see someone who specializes in the issue you are dealing with with your child. Just don’t leave it like that.