Love is as necessary as water and food, says neuroscientist

Can we live well without love? Neuroscientist Stephanie Ortigue considered for many years that the answer was “yes”. Despite studying the science of human connections, Ortigue – an only child and, in her 20s and well into her 30s, single and content like that – could not fully understand the importance of love in her own life.

“I told myself that not being in a relationship made me a more objective researcher: I could study love without being subject to its fascination,” she writes in her new book, “Wired for Love: A Neuroscientist’s Journey Through Romance, Loss and the Essence of Human Connection”

But in 2011, at age 37, she met John Cacioppo at a neuroscience conference in Shanghai. He, who popularized the concept that prolonged loneliness can be as harmful to health as smoking, piqued her interest. The two scientists fell deeply in love and were married. Ortigue took the surname Cacioppo, and soon afterward they became colleagues at the University of Chicago Pritzker School of Medicine (where she now directs the Brain Dynamics Laboratory), forming a team at home and in the lab.

“Wired for Love” is the neurobiological story of how love rewires the brain. It’s also a personal love story — a story that took a sad turn when John died of cancer in March 2018.

In the book, Cacioppo discusses the effects of love on the brain, how to fight loneliness, and how love is literally a figment of the imagination.

The questions and answers have been edited and condensed for clarity.

You started out as single and happy in that condition, became part of a couple and then lost your husband. How did meeting him animate your search for love? When we first met, we talked for three hours, but I didn’t feel the time pass. I felt euphoric – because of the dopamine surge. I blushed – a sign of adrenaline. We got physically closer and started copying each other. This was due to the activation of mirror neurons, a network of brain cells that are activated when you move or feel something, and when you see another person moving. When you have a strong bond with someone, the mirror neuron system is strengthened.

In a short time we became a “we”. When John got sick, I accompanied him to radiation therapy sessions. We shared a hospital bed. We were always together.

​What exactly happens to the brain when we are in love? When we fall in love with someone, the first thing we notice is how pleasant it feels. This happens because the brain releases feel-good neurotransmitters that elevate our mood. When we find love, it’s like a biological fireworks display. Our heart rate rises, levels of oxytocin, the so-called love hormone, rise, and this makes us feel connected to each other. Our levels of the hormone and neurotransmitter norepinephrine go up, and this makes us lose track of time; our adrenaline levels also rise, which expands the capillaries in our faces and makes us blush.

Meanwhile, levels of serotonin, a key hormone for regulating appetite and intrusive anxious thoughts, plummet. So when we’re in love, we may feed irregularly or become fixated on small details, worrying about sending “the perfect text message,” “saying the perfect words,” and then replaying the message or phone call in our head over and over again.

Then, when we begin to feel a deep sense of calm and contentment with our partner, areas of the brain are activated that trigger not only basic emotions but also more complex cognitive functions. This can lead to a number of positive outcomes such as pain suppression, more compassion, better memory, and increased creativity. Romantic love feels like a superpower that makes the brain race.

Is love necessary for survival? Love is a biological need, just like water, exercise or food. My research has convinced me that a healthy love life is as essential to people’s well-being as good nutrition. This love life could include your beloved partner, your circle of best friends, your family, or even your favorite sports team.

Love –in the broad and holistic way I understand the term today– is the opposite of loneliness. When we look at the absence of positive, healthy relationships, we see a barrage of physical and mental handicaps, from depression and hypertension to diabetes and fragmented sleep.

If you don’t feel like you have a meaningful relationship, it’s like you’re socially thirsty, and your brain gives you a signal to let you know that you need to help your social body. Some of the same alarms that go off when people are thirsty go off when they feel socially disconnected from other people. The key is not to repress these feelings. They exist to help us survive; we need to overcome the problem.

But admitting that we feel lonely still carries a stigma, doesn’t it? Nobody feels guilty when they’re thirsty, right? Therefore, no one should feel guilty when they feel lonely.

Loneliness contains a paradox; we want to get closer to other people, but the lonely mind has been lonely for so long that it detects more risk – for no reason, of course – and makes you want to move away rather than reach out to others.

What advice would you give to people who have trouble finding love or relating to others? Love doesn’t have to be with a living person. If you are really passionate about life, what you love most, your hobby, this can also protect you from loneliness.

How can we help people we care about who are isolated? People have thought for years that to help lonely people, you have to bring them together. But the worst thing you can do for a lonely person is to try to help them without asking for their help in return – a concept based on mutual help and protection. What is needed, instead, is to help the person gain a new sense of their own worth. We can ask you for advice. When she is treated with respect, when someone depends on her, when she understands her own importance, all these things can give a lonely person a sense of their own worth and a sense of belonging that reduces the feeling of isolation.

Does long-distance love, love after a breakup, or love for someone who has died affect the brain in a similar way? Yes, you can remain connected to other people even when you are physically alone.

Close your eyes and think about the person you love the most. Now think about the last time you made her laugh. Does it make you smile? We keep these positive memories in mind and can access them at any time. The remote control is in our hands.

Translation by Clara Allain