It is a common secret, how the unsolved childhood traumas, lead to toxic and destructive relationships. Unresolved traumas can be either painful experiences in childhood or neglect, yelling, fighting and even abuse. These behaviors and bad situations are capable of making you a “magnet” for problematic relationships in the future.

According to psychiatric studies, many adults who have experienced childhood trauma find that their adult relationships are dominated by negative patterns. Children who have experienced trauma are more likely to experience mistrust, feel disconnected from others, and develop some type of attachment. In addition to this, the increased risk for mental health problems, including depression, anxiety and alcohol dependence, exacerbates the negative effects on relationships of all kinds.

These findings complement previous research that found childhood trauma and abuse were more likely to affect relationships for both men and women. Male and female victims of abuse and neglect reported higher rates of separation and divorce. Abused and neglected women were also less likely than non-abused women to have positive perceptions of current romantic partners.

Why do adults with childhood traumas attract problematic relationships?

The main reason this can happen is that when you grow up in these kinds of environments, you tend to develop negative beliefs about yourself. When someone you care about, someone you depend on (because as a child, you have to depend on someone), has these behaviors, it leads you in that direction. This direction leads to the development of beliefs about yourself. These beliefs may manifest in thinking that love is synonymous with persistence, or that in order to have a healthy relationship or to be treated well, you must allow others to take advantage of you. It can even lead to the belief that having boundaries is selfish.

So these cases can lead you into toxic relationships or relationships where the opposite side exploits you or uses you to satisfy various needs. This is because deep down, you believe that this is the normal, the ordinary. You grew up in an environment where abuse was the norm, and now you’re drawn to the same kind of environment. It’s all about familiarity, what was familiar to you in the past.

When you do happen to be in a healthy relationship, you may sabotage it because it doesn’t feel safe or exciting. You may come up with excuses just so you can get out of this healthy relationship, which goes against deeply held beliefs about yourself. On the other hand, a toxic relationship, with all its betrayal, can make you feel safe and excited.

If you don’t resolve these issues, you will continually attract unhealthy or toxic relationships into your life. This becomes a pattern and in order to break free, you will have to neutralize the subconscious beliefs you have developed due to past experiences.

How can you stop this pattern?

If you’re stuck in a pattern of attracting toxic relationships and can’t figure out why, despite recognizing the red flags, that means the pattern is beyond your current level of awareness. No matter how much you read, or how much you want to, it won’t help you. You have to work on unresolved childhood traumas to be able to gain new beliefs about yourself and what you are worth.

Psychotherapy is about putting choice back into your life. Without working on the unresolved issues or root causes, you may feel like you have no choice but to stay in toxic relationships. Working through your unresolved issues or childhood traumas is a big step to freeing yourself from toxic relationship patterns for good.